Sorry

I want to send out a public apologie as I hurt some peoples feelings, which I never intentionally meant to do. I would never mean to hurt or offend anyone with any intention, and if I did that would be pretty shitty of me.

I post about my life on here quite a lot, as this is the main outlet of emotions for me, and a way in which I think is a good way to manage them in a more controlled way. The things I write on here are my pure feelings, of what I feel in that moment and time. They may come across blunt, and maybe a little inconsiderate to others but unfortunately, this is the way I felt in these certain situations.

I can come across pretty aggressive sometimes, and say things that are not necessarily thought through, but what people need to understand about this blog is that these are the raw emotions I feel. And yes, it may hurt to see what I feel written down for all to see and find, but this mini platform of mine is something that makes me feel safe. When I write, it comes from my heart, how I truly feel over situations, and by getting it out in the open is a way that I cope.

Let’s also be a little honest, this blog stops me from doing a lot of stupid things such as Self-Harming or letting them Suicidal thoughts get louder. So maybe the reason I come across the way I do is that I’m trying to let out anger, trying to gain the loss of control over situations, or just trying to make sense of situations. By writing these out, it can really help me to understand different points of view, as I am well aware that I can sometimes only see my point, and don’t take others into consideration whereas when I write it out I can see how others feelings and their lives might have affected this.

So I just wanted to apologise, and those people out there know who they are, as I never meant to hurt you this way.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Walk Away

I hope you never have to experience what I have in my life. I hope that you understand why I did the things I have. Most of all though, I hope you know I never done any of this to hurt you.

29th August 2017. I told you I had to cancel because of an emergency shift at work when the truth was that I had been planning to end my own life that night. 13th January 2018. You messaged me out the blue saying that you want us to be friends again, but I have to commit to the friendship. You said you knew I was lying, I want to call it that I was trying to shield you from the truth

Commitment is not a strong point of mine, and it makes it harder to commit when you have illnesses holding you back. I said I deal with Suicide Idealisation and you said ‘idk if  I can deal with someone I’m close to dying again’ We both lost Tom back in May 2017, and I can’t get mad at you for saying that. I just feel that you should know that Depression is a killer, and someone who is suffering from it will push people away. I need people who will fight back for me and want to be there.

I understand that this is hard for you to lose someone to Suicide so I can see why you may find this situation hard. You said ‘Im just trying to figure out if I can do this’ which gives me the feeling that you cant deal with this. That you cant deal with me and let’s be honest here, I don’t just have a straightforward problem, I have a roundabout load of problems. Maybe this is me being blunt, or maybe it’s me being honest, but having people in my life is one of the most important things to me, but if you cant deal with who I am then maybe you shouldn’t be apart of my life. Which I know would make me a very lonely person, but I rather am someone with little to no friends then someone with lots of friends who cant deal with me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can leave and I won’t make you feel guilty for it. I understand, I’m kind of a lost cause trying to figure out the world and I know I’m a lot to deal with, and I take up a hell of a lot of time, time which you don’t have. Just know one thing..

I’m going to miss you Kate, more than you will ever know.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Understanding

Today I had a panic attack, one of the worst one I have had in a solid year. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t stop crying, and I threw up. That’s how nervous I can get and build things up in my head. But do you know what hurts the most? When your friends stand there, 2 meters away from you, and don’t do anything. That hurts.

I like to say I’m always there for people when they need me, just the other day I had a young person open up and tell me part of there life story. I want to say I’m approachable. I want to say, I’m, a nice person. But today I needed to focus on me and trying to get through this exam with trying my best.

So my friend was having a hard time today, getting teary over the exam. The ONE day I physically can’t help her, and everyone turns there back on me. Am I a bad person for doing this? I like to say I’m always there to help her, for crying out loud I basically gave her a counselling session on Monday to help her, but when I’m literally suffering from something so bad, she couldn’t just hug me? Tell me it will be alright?

Please tell me if I’m out of line saying all this but it hurts when all you do is help people, people who I genuinely thought were my friends, and they turn around and say ‘Wheres Chelsea?’ ‘Oh, I think she is out smoking, she’s starting to go into a panic attack’ ‘Another one?’ Thanks, guys, really appreciate the support there.

Its like people think its a choice that I do this. It’s a fucking disorder, not a decision. I don’t decide that I want my heart to implode inside me, and the throw up through pure fear. I don’t decide any of this, and funnily enough, today was a big day for me. Yes, it was for them too, but for someone who has got, let’s be honest, pretty shocking Mental Health, I had something to prove to myself.

And guess what guys. I did it on my fucking own. Yep, I don’t need people, or as they will refer themselves to as ‘friends’, who just watch as someone is having a panic attack. I will do it on my own. Because at least I know that although no matter how hard it gets for me, I saved myself in one of the hardest experiences I have dealt with in a while, on my own. I didn’t need to know one, and I certainly don’t need them.

Guess you find out who your real friends are when it comes to these things, eh?

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Fucked

Well was that not a good Blogmas?!

Yeah… I’m sorry. College went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. Family went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. You catching my drift? Life became a little fucked.

In one month I discovered that my Mum cannot cope too well with my Mental Disorders, my friends aren’t true friends, that you cant make jokes like every other human does, and the world can be a pretty fucked up place. Oh and how much I can cry and have mental breakdowns in a day is improving, almost every 2 hours is about the record I think.

In simple terms- A) My mum saw some of my Self Harm cuts and freaked out and won’t speak about anything like this anymore. B) My friends think that by talking to my deputy’s head about me, instead of talking to me about me, is a better way to solve solutions. Also, I can no longer speak to them about my personal health as it puts to much strain on them, but they can talk to me all the time about their problems. C) **Links to B** apparently by saying phrases such as ‘I need like 20 paracetamol, my head is killing me’ is now considered a suicide phrase. Along with ‘My mum is going to kill me for failing that test’, ‘This work is killing me slowly’ and my favourite ‘If I jump from this window, do you think I have to do the test?’ D) This world apparently can’t deal with people having bad Mental Health, and therefore ignore everything to do with it. E) I’m probably crying too much.

So yeah, that’s a nice little update for you all. What a happy, festive post for you all to read. I’m sorry, just a lot going on and not having much support around me is kind of showing right now.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Addict

I’m an addict. This is a conclusion I have recently come to.My medication I take, I cant come off it anymore, not without bad withdraws, not without major lows, not without the feeling of wanting to be dead.

That’s scary, the fact that I now heavily rely on some tablets to keep me feeling sane. My brother says its the placebo effect that the medication is having on me, that I want them to be helping so they are. I wanted my other tablets to work and they didn’t, so how come the placebo effect didn’t work?

I kind of find it funny, that I thought tablets would solve all my solve all my problems and I would be right as rain. Boy oh boy was I wrong, and far from right as I could possibly be. I think my tablets have now caused more issues than help. Its great I’m not as Depressed anymore, whats not so great is the fact my panic attacks are more intense and I have a constant need to shake my foot/leg all the time. Its great I don’t experience heart in mouth anymore, whats not great is they cause me nose bleeds all the time.

The side effects are the worst sometimes. I take Diazepam to stop the intensity of my panic attacks, but to stop them I experience tiredness, drowsiness, and nausea. O well, that’s just great!

Thing is though, people think that we want to be like this. I started tablets at age 14 if my memory serves me right, and now all I wish is to come off them. I don’t want to be on them anymore. My mum thinks I want to be on these. No mum, I don’t, but I don’t have a choice over this anymore. I have Mental Health difficulties if you like it or not, and unfortunately, I cant get rid of them in a snap of a finger. I wish I could.

I’m an addict, and it’s not a fun life to live.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Blogmas 2017

Look what time of year it is again!! Blogmas is back, and like last year, I’m going to give it my best shot at doing it again!

I’m very grateful to everyone who follows this blog, as I gently never thought anyone would want to read my thoughts or feelings. This year my posts will be a little different. I will still be posting my normal stuff, but every so often there will be a blog post on giving back. I strongly believe that we should help one another, especially;y around the festive season. I know I’m not the only one struggling out there in this world, we all have different problems. I want to let them know there are people out there for them, just like you guys are for me.

So.. I hope you enjoy the following 25 days of blog posts and if you like what you say, I hope you stick around, this little community what we have going on is the best, and we will accept everyone with open arms. Every day at 6.00pm GMT time a post will go up until and including the 25th December. I hope you will join me on this journey I have going!

Love to you all, Chelsea aka MonstersLivingInMyMind X

Her (Long Post)

I met this girl. A girl who I thought was an okay person, someone I never really talked to, someone I would smile at in the corridoor but never really had any other encounters with. We never spoke, we just had nothing to talk about. So how come am I writing about this girl? How can someone who you know so little of cause such an impact in your life? Let’s go back about a year ago, when I was in Year 13, and she was in Year 10.

We caught the same bus as each other, and what we soon realised to be, your Dad was the driver of this bus. I wont lie, it annoyed me how she got special treatment on that bus. The fact that no one could go in her seat or that you got picked up right outside her house and, even if she were running 5 minutes late, he would wait. At the last stop on the route before we arrived at college, she would get off the bus and go get him a pasty, making us late to our lessons. This annoyed me yes, but what came next makes my blood boil. So myself and group of friends made a complaint against this, as we thought this was unfair treatment. To this day, I will stand by what I done. The next few days, her dad was no longer the driver, we had a complete new one. She still caught the bus, but always got on with hestiation. Everything seems pretty calm right now.. but then did shit hit the fan.

We werer sat at the back of the bus talking about wedding cakes, while she sat at the front. I want to repeat this. WEDDING CAKES. Then all of a sudden she is yelling down the phone, naming us one by one to who we later found out was her Dad. ‘Yeah Dad, those ring leaders *insert name here*, *another name* and Chelsea Vidler. Holly shit. What the hell have I done?! So, casually, im starting to panic. She is saying we are slagging her off and calling her names and bullying her. Again WEDDING CAKES!!! So Im now in a high state of Anxiety, and as the bus pulls in at college, I step off, gaining a few deep breaths and walk on with my mates.

I took no more than 10 steps when I here a big ‘HEY!’ in the distance. Naturally, I turn to the voice, to find her dad. A tall, quite big and chunky bloke marching over towards us. Heart racing, feeling increadibly faint I just duck my head and keep walking. ‘YOU FUCKHEADS BETTER WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACKS! HOW DARE YOU INSULT AND BULLY MY DAUGHTER?’ We all carried on walking, accept me. I stood there, in absoulte fear, quite honestly shitting myself that Im about to be dead. ‘IM GUNNA GAUGE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT OF YOUR HEAD YOU BASTARDS’ They call this the Fight, Flight or Freeze mechanism in your body. I would refer to it as Chelsea crapped herself and stood there crying her eyes out, unable to breathe and any second going to throw up because a bloke doubles her size has just threatned her.

Skip forward now to present day. 19th Novemeber 2017. She is in my house with my brother which I have just found out to be dating. Yes, I probably should have let go of this a long time ago, but I cant. She is now sitting in this home of mine, making me feel threatned by her prescence in a place that Im meant to feel happy and content in. Sitting there, eating burnt pizza because my brother forgot to check on it, cuddling up to him watching TV. While im in here, writing this, crying my eyes out because I dont want her in my life again. I want my brother to be happy, of course, I do, so Im just going to shut my mouth. Let him decide whats best for him, as it’s his life.

That doesnt make my feelings, nor memories invalid though. I still hurt.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Self-Harm

If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore

When we say the words Self Harm, we automatically think of cutting. But there are so many other versions of inflicting harm upon yourself that wont be considered.

It’s not all about putting a blade to your skin, it can be picking away at your skin to make it bleed or bringing you to cause blistering. Not wanting to eat, skipping meals because you don’t deserve to eat today. It’s about drinking excessively to drown all your sorrows away because you don’t want to think anymore. It’s not wanting to take the paracetamol to help stop the pain because that is what you deserve, or taking to many paracetamols in a hope that you can stop all the pain in your life. It’s smoking, and not because you addicted to the nicotine because you know its killing you on the inside.

Can you tell me where any of this me attention seeking though? We say people who Self Harm are attention seekers, but were in that description does it say that I want your attention? It doesn’t, not one of the sentences include anything to do with gaining attention.

When I put that blade to my skin, skip that meal or smoke the cigarette, I’m causing deliberate harm to myself. Do you know why I do this though? We are quick to assume that a self-harmer is an attention seeking, but do you know why?

I feel like I deserve it. I don’t know why I think this, but my brain thinks this is the most logical thing to do. All the things mentioned on different ways you can hurt yourself, I do every single one of them. So when you mock people like me, people who are struggling to find their will to live, you are contributing to the harm in hurting themselves. You are the reason why I think I’m going crazy, and make me feel so little for doing this.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Withdraws

Well.. withdraws are fun, aren’t they? Especially when they are unintentional ones. I take medication, and with recently coming out of the NHS exemptions scheme because of my age, apparently, I can no longer afford to pay for my own medication!

I’m currently laying in bed, watching Netflix while shaking, feeling light-headed, having nosebleeds and vomiting. What a fun life I lead! I’m not writing this for pity though, nowhere near that. I want to get the message across that medication is addictive and it’s not as simple as you think coming off it. Its freaking hard to come of something that your body has become very dependent on.

I would love to come off my medication, so much would I love for this to happen. Until you know what it is like to become addictive to something, and how hard it is to try and come off that, please do not stand there and judge me for what I am doing. Some would probably say I slightly abuse my medication, as I don’t need so much of this and that of another, but guess what?! I can’t help it anymore. I want to get off this so bad, but the more I use it, the more my body depends on it.

‘Well, Chelsea maybe if you did not take them in the first place you wouldn’t be in this mess’ Yes, you are right. But when you are diagnosed at 16 with Depression and Suicidal Idealisation, and trying to keep this all a secret from your parents, this was the quickest and easiest option that I could find. Take a few pills, and I would be as happy as rain. Or that’s what I thought at least. I’m very lucky that I have only tried 3 different sorts of tablets for this; Citalopram, Sertraline, Back to Citalopram and now on Duloxetine.

I used to be cautious of what I took, not wanting to take to many of anything. Now if a Doctor tells me I need this drug, man I’m all over it without reading the leaflets. I do this because I just want this all to stop. And now not being able to afford my own tablets is killing me.

Withdrawing from your tablets is not fun.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Finn

July 8th, 2017.. you went missing. October 20th, 2017.. the search has been ceased.

Its weird Finn, you see I did not know you that well. We went to the same school, we live in the connecting towns and I can almost guarantee that you never even knew my name. I was just a stranger to you, and you were a stranger to me. That day though, the day you went missing.. you were the most popular name in the whole of Cornwall.

Shop windows, lampposts, bulletin boards, car windows.. They were all displaying your missing poster. Pleas going out on Facebook, the #FindFinn tag went around for weeks, but we could not find you. From not knowing you all that well, suddenly I knew something. You went missing and we need to find you.

Today the report got published, that although a body has not been found, that the search is over. We no longer are searching for you. Although there has been no stone cold hard evidence, with all the evidence that has been found, we have concluded what has happened to you, Finn.

You went to meet some mates at the pub. Your mum drives you there, as you left the house you hugged your dad tighter than what you did before and when you got out the car you leaned over and kissed your mum. You went into the pub, but the CCTV shows us that it was just you in there, no mates or nothing. You drank for a bit, went to the toilet and left. You climbed to the top of the cliffs and left your rucksack there. It hurts for me to say this but.. you jumped. In the rucksack were a few things, but the main item; a note left to your parents. A suicide note. The last thing you left for us.

So Finn, here we are. 4 months down the line, and although we kept hoping for your return, we now just hope that you are in a better place.

Finnian Layland-Stratfield ~ As your Father said ‘As a son, he was the best I could have wished for. He was gentlemanly, kind, supportive, and very protective over his family’