The Boy & School

Hello Everyone!

You made my life hell. You never realised though, and that’s the worst. You have Autism, so what you were doing was acceptable to you, but to me, it was not even close. But I can’t put all the blame on you. The school has to take some of it.

My secondary school had under 400 pupils in it, and everyone knew everyone. I live in a small community where a school claims to be supportive. So tell me, where you supportive when I came to you in tears saying that this boy was following me? Where you supportive when I came to you saying this boy was touching me? No. You were never there for me. You thought me acting up in lessons was just a ‘rebel’ stage, it was never that, I never wanted to go to lessons because HE was there. You could not give two shits about that though. You thought I was just being a teenager when all I wanted was someone to ask me how I was.

Between both of you, you caused my self-esteem to go plummeting to the floor. I can’t walk into a classroom without feeling like I’m back in the school, being violated of my personal space. I can’t go to an exam without screaming and freaking out before hand because the silence brings back the memories of when you left me there. You left me there, with him, thinking that I was being dramatic. When I told you he touched me, you told me to stop being stupid.

When I told you he touched me, you told me to stop being stupid. You used his Autism as an excuse to not do anything. I work with children across the whole spectrum, and not once have I used that as an excuse of why they have pushed another child, or why they are acting up. They still need to know the difference between right and wrong.

The worst thing, this triggered me to start self-harming. I have scars on my body because you failed to take action. I have studied the Safeguarding policy inside out, and you clearly ignored all the signs that I presented. Even when you saw my open wounds, you never once thought to ask am I okay.

Between both of you, I just want to thank you. Thank you Boy, for making me feel worthless. Thank you, School, for leaving me in hell. Thank you, both, for letting me harm myself. You should take credit for what you have done.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Im Sorry

Hello Everyone!

I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. This post won’t is long itself, I just wanted to keep you updated.

Life is hard at the moment and I’m in a situation which is a little sticky. I’m pulling through, and am proudly still 45+ days clean! It’s hard to keep going strong, but for anyone out there who is struggling, if I can still do it, then so can you.

I’m not going to explain everything in this post, and I’ll be back soon. For now, though, I just need a little time to adjust to my life. I hope you understand.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Binging

Hello Everyone!

A binge is an episode of excessive eating or drinking. People who binge eat very large quantities of food over a short period of time, even when they’re not hungry. 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Binge-eating/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I have been reading a lot about binging, and one statement I have found comes up quite a lot. ‘People who binge eat are usually overweight’. I would like to now speak out for myself and say that I am not overweight, I am in the correct weight zone. Yes, I fluctuate a lot between being ideal weight and underweight, but not once have I been overweight. I have been binging for about 3 years now.

I binge on everything and anything, and then I will starve myself from being ashamed of what I have done. I can starve myself for a day, with only drinking water as my main source of energy. Which I am well aware is very bad for me, but that’s how I gain control of myself.

I only have control over certain things in my life, and by starving myself is one of these ways. I know people think this is stupid, and yes your correct it is, but my brain is not like yours. No one is like anyone. We all have our own ways of life, and this is my way. Not the best way admittedly, but still my way.

My name is Chelsea, and I am a Binge Eater.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Depression

Hello Everyone!

Depression is a low mood that lasts for a long time and affects your everyday life. In its mildest form, depression can mean just being in low spirits. It doesn’t stop you leading your normal life but makes everything harder to do and seem less worthwhile. At its most severe, depression can be life-threatening because it can make you feel suicidal or simply give up the will to live. 

~ http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WM1-dJCLTrc ~

I like to think of depression in levels. Level one is the mildest form, whereas level 5 is at its worst from. I constantly fluctuate between these. As any average person, your mood can depend on a lot of things. When I look at my depression, it forms over different situations, but it is constantly there.

I have been on the severe end before, and it’s no fun. You hear constantly people saying that its a cop out and a waste of a life, a waste of a life is you telling me I’m wasting my life because it that depressed that I can’t see the point in living anymore. How you can tell me that is nothing I don’t know, but hey what do I know about Depression?!

Anyway, getting help is important. I have received help from a lot of services, ones that I will mention in future posts, and honestly, without them, I don’t think I would be here today. I have to give thanks to a lot of people for standing by me in a lot of situations, as I also would not be here without them.

My name is Chelsea, and I have Depression.

 

Anxiety

Hello Everyone!

Anxiety is the feeling of fear or panic. Most people feel anxious, panicky or fearful about situations in life, such as money problems or exams but often once the difficult situation is over, you feel better and calmer. Sometimes the feelings of fear or anxiety continue after the difficult situation or sometimes you may feel a stronger sense of fear than other people and this is when anxiety becomes a problem and can affect you doing everyday things. 

~ http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people/whats_worrying_you/anxiety/what_is_anxiety ~

My diagnoses of Anxiety is a Generalised Anxiety Disorder. If I get worried about something, then I can feel my heart start to race up, my hands can become quite sweaty, I become light headed, and my breathing becomes irregular. This is what they call an Anxiety attack.

Anxiety is not just your average worrying, though. It’s worrying over things that can be silly, and many times irrational. I basically risk assess everywhere I go mentally. So say I’m going for a walk, I think of my exact route through, knowing exactly where I’m going, I will then think of every way possible, both sensible and ludicrous things that can happen to me, and how I will deal with this.

Just because I might not look like I am a person who has Anxiety, does not mean I don’t have it. Lots of things happen behind closed doors, and a smile can hide millions of problems from the inside. Sometimes Anxiety Attacks don’t have any rhyme or reason for coming on, they just do. You could be sitting there and suddenly your brain can jump from 0 to 60 in a second, and worry about everything and anything. Then the heart starts speeding up, and so on and so forth.

My name is Chelsea, and I have Anxiety.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Bad Again

Hello Everyone!

How can you tell it is getting bad again? This is how I tell.

I sleep too much. I can get to sleep at 9.30pm, and wake up at 10 am and still be tried. I can take naps during the day, and still get a full night of sleep. My brain is exhausted, it is so hard to let it rest when all I do is overthink.

I space out a lot, daydream about everything and anything. I don’t remember what I was doing before, and I am constantly in a daze. It’s like my mind is not with me, it’s gone to its own world.

I tend to ramble on a lot. I speak a lot, about anything that has happened in my day. It could be from what I ate for breakfast or a joke that I found funny, to just plain old talking about nonsense. Kind of like what I am doing now in some ways.

These aren’t all the ways, just some of them. And it can affect people in any shape or form. Recognising how you know it is getting worse is a key point, as know you can make a change. It’s not easy, I still can’t do it myself. But I’m trying. I’m trying every day but it’s still there. And I got to learn how to manage this.

It will come in time. It might take its time, but it will come.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Boat

Hello Everyone!

I’m in this boat, its full but not with people or objects. It’s full of Mental Health. This boat is not real, it’s in my mind so no one else can see it. I can tell you all about this boat, so many facts and stories that have happened on this boat, the highs and lows, and the waves and storms.

This boat, it’s been a part of me for a few years now. To begin with, I had a bit of company, I had Anxiety on board firstly, followed closely by Depression. As time has gone on, we got more and more company. Sometimes they like the build their own boat and go on a little vacation without me, which is quite nice, but they always come back.

On this boat, we have just welcomed our latest member Disassociation. It’s becoming tougher now, though, this is only a small boat, and I have so many people on it. And I don’t know how much more this boat is going to take before it goes down. The company is trying to sink my boat, and I’m trying so hard to keep it floating. As quickly as it draining the boat out, they just bring more back in. And they don’t help to clear it.

I don’t want this company anymore, I need someone to help me keep the water out instead of bringing more in. The more company I get, the harder it is getting to keep everything afloat. We sometimes have slip ups, and sometimes we might fall overboard, but that does not stop anyone from coming back. They don’t realise, they are weighing me down. And it’s becoming a lot harder to keep my strength.

My boat is sinking again, and I can’t stop it this time.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Dinosaurs

Hello Everyone!

I asked my boyfriend for a subject that I could write about, and his reply was dinosaurs. ‘But Chelsea, how do dinosaurs have anything to do with Mental Health?’ A very good question and the answer is I have no idea, but I’m going to give it my best shot. So here goes nothing!

Right, so have any of you ever watched The Good Dinosaur? A lovely movie, one that made me cry a few times. Arlo was very brave during this film when he got separated from his parents, he did nothing but try to find his way home. He made a friend, he made enemies, and he got in situations that were not the best. In some aspects, it’s just like Mental Health.

Arlo was living with his loving family. He was trying to so hard to fit in with others, but it did not always work his way. When Arlo went on an adventure with his Dad, a storm broke loose, and he got departed from his father. He then had to try and seek shelter and had to find his own way home. This poor little boy was lost alone and scared. At times, he wanted to give up because things just got to tough, but he did not. Why not, though? Because he knew that in the end, he would be back to his happy place again.

This is what I have interpreted from this film, others may see different. But what I learnt from this film was that no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many situations you get yourself into, you just got to keep going on. In the end, there will be a happy ending. It may not look or even feel like it, but how will you ever know if you just give up. Quite honestly, I never thought I would be inspired by cartoon dinosouar, but Arlo gave me a little bit of hope in my heart, that although he is fake, he still pushed through and defeated all the odds to get his happy ending.

I will defeat all the odds to get my happy ending.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Who knew I could write a blog post on Dinosaurs?! Jezz, pretty impressed with myself. Never taking your suggestions again though Rhys!

Physical VS Mental

Hello Everyone!

I got faced with a statement the other day, and it took me back. They said ‘Physical health is more important than Mental Health.’ If I could have screamed and shouted at them I would have, as for how dare you to say that. For someone who has been a longtime sufferer of Mental Health, you just said the completely wrong thing.

My Mental Health is just as important as my physical health. Doing some research, around 3,000 people a DAY die from suicide, and working it out, that would be 1,095,000 a year if it was exactly 3,000 a day. If that’s not serious enough to take some action, then I really don’t know what is.

I find it ridiculous that people still think that Mental Health is nothing to worry about, and that it all just a phase. In my personal experiences, a phase in my case lasts around a month. Now I appreciate this is different for everyone, but this is just for me. SO this Mental Health phase has been going on for around almost 5 years soon. Don’t think I really can call that a phase can I?

For someone who struggled for over 3 years of this alone, because she was too scared to let anyone know, I’m putting it pretty high up on the scale that Mental Health should be taken just as seriously as physical. But hey, if this is just a phase, then let’s hope it comes to an end soon.

I just wish my Mental Health could be taken seriously once in a while.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

#NED

Hello Everyone!

In honour of this week being National Eating Disorder Week, I decided that I would share my experiences and thoughts with you.

The thing that I get most annoyed about is when someone says the words ‘Just eat’. Yep, that’s it, it cured. Wow look at me eat all this food, them words have changed me, and if you can’t sense my sarcasm then maybe you shouldn’t read this post. If I could just eat, it would be perfect, but I can’t. My brain is physically telling me not. My heart says yes, but my head says no, and my brain is much more powerful over this sort of thing than my heart will ever be.

I have been officially diagnosed with Bulimia & Binge Eating. I also fast and self-induce. This is what I live with, day in, day out. Just because I might be a healthy weight, does not mean I can’t have this. I am 51kg, with a healthy BMI. But I don’t see this as perfect, I wish I could be skinnier, and feel more confident. I make myself throw up because of I’m so scared of putting on weight, that thought literally terrifies me.

Recovery is not just putting on weight, it’s trying to change your perspective on food. When you grow to hate food that much, the thought of doing anything involving it makes me feel horrible. I don’t like going out for meals, food shopping is a nightmare, and trying to eat around others is like hell. I have to change my brain, and that hard, and it will take time.

Happy #NEDAwareness Week

~Monsters Living In My Mind~