Self-Harm

If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore

When we say the words Self Harm, we automatically think of cutting. But there are so many other versions of inflicting harm upon yourself that wont be considered.

It’s not all about putting a blade to your skin, it can be picking away at your skin to make it bleed or bringing you to cause blistering. Not wanting to eat, skipping meals because you don’t deserve to eat today. It’s about drinking excessively to drown all your sorrows away because you don’t want to think anymore. It’s not wanting to take the paracetamol to help stop the pain because that is what you deserve, or taking to many paracetamols in a hope that you can stop all the pain in your life. It’s smoking, and not because you addicted to the nicotine because you know its killing you on the inside.

Can you tell me where any of this me attention seeking though? We say people who Self Harm are attention seekers, but were in that description does it say that I want your attention? It doesn’t, not one of the sentences include anything to do with gaining attention.

When I put that blade to my skin, skip that meal or smoke the cigarette, I’m causing deliberate harm to myself. Do you know why I do this though? We are quick to assume that a self-harmer is an attention seeking, but do you know why?

I feel like I deserve it. I don’t know why I think this, but my brain thinks this is the most logical thing to do. All the things mentioned on different ways you can hurt yourself, I do every single one of them. So when you mock people like me, people who are struggling to find their will to live, you are contributing to the harm in hurting themselves. You are the reason why I think I’m going crazy, and make me feel so little for doing this.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Day 0

Well, here we are. Back to the beginning. Day 0. Zero days of being Self-Harm clean. After 145 days of being strong and not leaving marks upon my body. But I don’t want your sympathy. Far from it. I wanted to tell you why people like me do this. Why we cut open your skin.

You say it because we are attention seeking, that we are messed up in the brain, that we got nothing better to do with our time. This is my way of coping when my shit goes down, it goes down like a tonne of bricks. These bricks suffocate me, make me feel like I won’t live. They take away my control, and every bit of pride & dignity I have left. We can’t control everything in life, but when you get the things that you can control taken away from you, it makes holes. It makes me feel empty like I’m not worth living anymore. But by cutting, I know I’m in control of what I’m doing, and it helps my numbness and loneliness go away again.

And you’re right, I am attention seeking. I can’t speak on behalf of everyone, but I self-harm because I want to get attention. I cant say to you I need help or that I’m suffering, so maybe you see my scars or my cuts will help you recognise that I need something. What I don’t need is people who say I do it just for fun, and that I love getting the attention and getting people to do everything for me.

Please understand me and my reasons for doing this. Cutting is not a trend its an addiction. It’s like screaming for help but no one can hear. It’s an everyday battle.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

100

I have been through shit and back. My life has done nothing but kills me inside recently. The loneliness has taken over me. The Anxiety. The Depression. The Eating. Everything.

There has been something good out of all this though. I have hit the 100 milestones. 100 days. It has been 100 days of me being Self Harm clean.

Through all this shit that my life has thrown at me, I have come out stronger more than I ever thought I ever could. I have only ever dreamed of this day for 4 years now, and I could not even be happier with myself. I have been so close to relapsing, to the point I made myself bed bound, but I pulled through it. Me. I did it.

Yes, I have support all around me, but if I wanted to relapse I would of. I built resilience, and I held strong. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, I know I haven’t. But fucking hell will I try my best to not relapse.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Mental Health & Me

Hello Everyone!

My name is Chelsea, I am 18 & live in sunny Cornwall. I live with various Mental Illnesses, along with a few physical ones. My life is not simple, quite honestly far from it, but then I know people have it worse out there. I run this blog for two main purposes, to help let off what is on my chest, but most importantly; to make sure that other people know that they are not alone out there.

I have been diagnosed with; Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Eating Disorders (Binging, Vomiting, Bulimia), Self Harm, and the latest to join the collection Disassociation.  Alongside this, I am now being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder.

My medication is; Pizotifen, Propranolol, Duloxetine & Diazepam. I am quite blessed that I don’t take any more. I have tried out other medications including Citalopram & Sertraline along with a long list of others and different doses. I think, hope and pray that the ones I am currently on are doing their job.

I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Mental Health as a whole and like to write about them. This is my way of letting off steam in a slightly more controlled way than fighting in person!! Mental Health is different for us all, we all get affected by it differently, and these are things I write about are just what I feel or have been through.

We need to change the culture of this topic and make it okay to speak about Mental Health & Suicide.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Mountains

Hello Everyone!

We have mountains in our lives, both physically and mentally. With these mountains, we have to climb them to see the beautiful view.

Yesterday I climbed a physical mountain. I had to use all my strength and willpower to get me to the top. It was hard, I had to take breaks, take a few minutes to breathe, but I worked through the pain in my legs, the heart beating in my throat making me struggle to breathe, and the amount of energy it drained from me.

 

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Me & Rhys at the top!

When at the top, I and Rhys were talking. Chatting about life, and how things have changed recently. We have been together for 6 months now, and in that short time, so many things have happened. Not just between us, just in general life.

I got hit by a mountain the other day. A mental mountain. I hit a place that made me want to relapse again. For those of you who don’t know, I Self Harm and have been struggling for a few years now with this. These last few months I have not been able to stop myself, I just give in as I find it’s not worth the fight.  I climbed this mountain and was so close to the top. I had to take breathers and breaks but never slipped up. But that day, giving up seemed easier than making it to the top. I am pleased to say that I got to the top. I’m 2 weeks clean.

We all get hit with these mental mountains, and yes, sometimes we will slip up and fall back down. Sometimes we need to take breaks. But once you get to that goal, to the top, there will be no other feeling like it.

Keep climbing, as the view is worth it.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

Dear Self-Harm

Dear Self-Harm,

So, here we are again. We meet again, my good ol’ friend. You and me, we have a relationship like no other. One where I hate you, but then suddenly crave you, and then you leave marks on my body, ones which society judge me on.

I’m not proud of you, I’m sorry to say that. If truth is known, I would preferer if you were not in my life, but we are stuck with what we are given, and I got given you. We should be grateful for what we are given in life, and take what we are offered. I never wanted to take you, though, that’s the problem. You were forced upon me, like a needy puppy needing attention all the time. You crave my attention, and when I give it to you, you take revenge. You leave something on my body. Every single time.

I have asked numerous times for you to leave, and sometimes you do, you go on a little vacation, for a week, maybe even 2 if I’m lucky, but then you come back, make yourself at home, and start again. You even have the pleasure of meeting my other good friends, Anxiety, Depression and the rest of the gang! You lot have such a good party, you like controlling me, making me feel like shit, and leaving me to hang on my last thread.

If you ever do decide that you maybe want to leave, that would be quite nice. Ill even pack your suitcase for you, and make you a packed lunch, and make sure you stay safe. I just don’t want you anymore. I hope you understand.

Love, the person’s body you now control x

Secrets

Hello Everyone!

Secrets of self-harm, we all have them. People don’t realise that self-harming is a way of control. I am terrified of losing control, so by self-harming I’m gaining that control back.

When I was younger, I always thought, why would you want to harm yourself? It’s such a crazy idea that you would think that hurting yourself makes you feel happy. But it does. It makes me feel happy because I gained my control back.

The scars aren’t romantic, media makes it out that if you self-harm you are beautiful. I’m sorry, but self-harming isn’t pretty, blood, cuts and scars are not beautiful, they are part of my life.

It is an addiction, one that takes time to recover from.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~