100

I have been through shit and back. My life has done nothing but kills me inside recently. The loneliness has taken over me. The Anxiety. The Depression. The Eating. Everything.

There has been something good out of all this though. I have hit the 100 milestones. 100 days. It has been 100 days of me being Self Harm clean.

Through all this shit that my life has thrown at me, I have come out stronger more than I ever thought I ever could. I have only ever dreamed of this day for 4 years now, and I could not even be happier with myself. I have been so close to relapsing, to the point I made myself bed bound, but I pulled through it. Me. I did it.

Yes, I have support all around me, but if I wanted to relapse I would of. I built resilience, and I held strong. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, I know I haven’t. But fucking hell will I try my best to not relapse.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Mental Health & Me

Hello Everyone!

My name is Chelsea, I am 18 & live in sunny Cornwall. I live with various Mental Illnesses, along with a few physical ones. My life is not simple, quite honestly far from it, but then I know people have it worse out there. I run this blog for two main purposes, to help let off what is on my chest, but most importantly; to make sure that other people know that they are not alone out there.

I have been diagnosed with; Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Eating Disorders (Binging, Vomiting, Bulimia), Self Harm, and the latest to join the collection Disassociation.  Alongside this, I am now being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder.

My medication is; Pizotifen, Propranolol, Duloxetine & Diazepam. I am quite blessed that I don’t take any more. I have tried out other medications including Citalopram & Sertraline along with a long list of others and different doses. I think, hope and pray that the ones I am currently on are doing their job.

I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Mental Health as a whole and like to write about them. This is my way of letting off steam in a slightly more controlled way than fighting in person!! Mental Health is different for us all, we all get affected by it differently, and these are things I write about are just what I feel or have been through.

We need to change the culture of this topic and make it okay to speak about Mental Health & Suicide.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Mountains

Hello Everyone!

We have mountains in our lives, both physically and mentally. With these mountains, we have to climb them to see the beautiful view.

Yesterday I climbed a physical mountain. I had to use all my strength and willpower to get me to the top. It was hard, I had to take breaks, take a few minutes to breathe, but I worked through the pain in my legs, the heart beating in my throat making me struggle to breathe, and the amount of energy it drained from me.

 

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Me & Rhys at the top!

When at the top, I and Rhys were talking. Chatting about life, and how things have changed recently. We have been together for 6 months now, and in that short time, so many things have happened. Not just between us, just in general life.

I got hit by a mountain the other day. A mental mountain. I hit a place that made me want to relapse again. For those of you who don’t know, I Self Harm and have been struggling for a few years now with this. These last few months I have not been able to stop myself, I just give in as I find it’s not worth the fight.  I climbed this mountain and was so close to the top. I had to take breathers and breaks but never slipped up. But that day, giving up seemed easier than making it to the top. I am pleased to say that I got to the top. I’m 2 weeks clean.

We all get hit with these mental mountains, and yes, sometimes we will slip up and fall back down. Sometimes we need to take breaks. But once you get to that goal, to the top, there will be no other feeling like it.

Keep climbing, as the view is worth it.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

Dear Self-Harm

Dear Self-Harm,

So, here we are again. We meet again, my good ol’ friend. You and me, we have a relationship like no other. One where I hate you, but then suddenly crave you, and then you leave marks on my body, ones which society judge me on.

I’m not proud of you, I’m sorry to say that. If truth is known, I would preferer if you were not in my life, but we are stuck with what we are given, and I got given you. We should be grateful for what we are given in life, and take what we are offered. I never wanted to take you, though, that’s the problem. You were forced upon me, like a needy puppy needing attention all the time. You crave my attention, and when I give it to you, you take revenge. You leave something on my body. Every single time.

I have asked numerous times for you to leave, and sometimes you do, you go on a little vacation, for a week, maybe even 2 if I’m lucky, but then you come back, make yourself at home, and start again. You even have the pleasure of meeting my other good friends, Anxiety, Depression and the rest of the gang! You lot have such a good party, you like controlling me, making me feel like shit, and leaving me to hang on my last thread.

If you ever do decide that you maybe want to leave, that would be quite nice. Ill even pack your suitcase for you, and make you a packed lunch, and make sure you stay safe. I just don’t want you anymore. I hope you understand.

Love, the person’s body you now control x

Secrets

Hello Everyone!

Secrets of self-harm, we all have them. People don’t realise that self-harming is a way of control. I am terrified of losing control, so by self-harming I’m gaining that control back.

When I was younger, I always thought, why would you want to harm yourself? It’s such a crazy idea that you would think that hurting yourself makes you feel happy. But it does. It makes me feel happy because I gained my control back.

The scars aren’t romantic, media makes it out that if you self-harm you are beautiful. I’m sorry, but self-harming isn’t pretty, blood, cuts and scars are not beautiful, they are part of my life.

It is an addiction, one that takes time to recover from.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~