I’m writing this post, with tears streaming down my face, just purely wondering when all this pain will stop. The feeling of emptiness, the heartache, the misery. All of it. The voices in my head, they won’t calm down, and I don’t know what to do.
This post is going to be very raw, as in writing it as I’m going through it. Its 9th April 2018, it’s just gone 7.00pm. I hear my parents downstairs with my neighbours chatting away, and my brother has just been out for a smoke and is now in his room. Everyone around me is carrying on with life, they don’t know that I’m no more than 20 steps away from them just wanting to relapse. To stop all this pain that is hurting me.
I’ve lost my way again, I can’t find the steady road that I used to be on. A while back I wrote that I had been discharged from my local Mental Health Team. I can honestly say its all gone downhill from there. 20 minutes before I got discharged, I told my Community Pyscatiric Nurse (CPN) that I had been feeling suicidal to then be told that the Psychology team deem me as mentally fit.. what sort of system do I live in? I’ve just declared that I want to die, and yet you tell me that is fine? All because one person made the decision that because I was smiling at her that it means nothing is wrong with me?
I’m the sort of person that takes a few sessions to start building a relationship with you, and even then, we have to maintain some sort of connection for me to be open in honest. How come that in one 40 minute session you expected me to bare all to you? How do I know what you will react to? What if you want to section me? Until we both get to know each other, then I cant open up to someone. I’m sorry for that, but its the way I work, and no one can change that.
I wish they could see me now; fresh cuts on my body, tears pouring out of my bloodshot eyes, a stuffy nose, my heart going ten to the dozen. No one would say I’m mentally fit in this state. I just want something to go right for me now, to let me live my life again. I can’t stand living a life feeling like this. I’m trapped in a mindset that constantly figures out different ways to die. I shouldn’t be living like this. I’m 19 for christ sake, I should be out living a high life, exploring the world, Instead, I’m lying on my bed. Feeling like shit.
I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear until I feel better again.