Addict

I’m an addict. This is a conclusion I have recently come to.My medication I take, I cant come off it anymore, not without bad withdraws, not without major lows, not without the feeling of wanting to be dead.

That’s scary, the fact that I now heavily rely on some tablets to keep me feeling sane. My brother says its the placebo effect that the medication is having on me, that I want them to be helping so they are. I wanted my other tablets to work and they didn’t, so how come the placebo effect didn’t work?

I kind of find it funny, that I thought tablets would solve all my solve all my problems and I would be right as rain. Boy oh boy was I wrong, and far from right as I could possibly be. I think my tablets have now caused more issues than help. Its great I’m not as Depressed anymore, whats not so great is the fact my panic attacks are more intense and I have a constant need to shake my foot/leg all the time. Its great I don’t experience heart in mouth anymore, whats not great is they cause me nose bleeds all the time.

The side effects are the worst sometimes. I take Diazepam to stop the intensity of my panic attacks, but to stop them I experience tiredness, drowsiness, and nausea. O well, that’s just great!

Thing is though, people think that we want to be like this. I started tablets at age 14 if my memory serves me right, and now all I wish is to come off them. I don’t want to be on them anymore. My mum thinks I want to be on these. No mum, I don’t, but I don’t have a choice over this anymore. I have Mental Health difficulties if you like it or not, and unfortunately, I cant get rid of them in a snap of a finger. I wish I could.

I’m an addict, and it’s not a fun life to live.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Blogmas 2017

Look what time of year it is again!! Blogmas is back, and like last year, I’m going to give it my best shot at doing it again!

I’m very grateful to everyone who follows this blog, as I gently never thought anyone would want to read my thoughts or feelings. This year my posts will be a little different. I will still be posting my normal stuff, but every so often there will be a blog post on giving back. I strongly believe that we should help one another, especially;y around the festive season. I know I’m not the only one struggling out there in this world, we all have different problems. I want to let them know there are people out there for them, just like you guys are for me.

So.. I hope you enjoy the following 25 days of blog posts and if you like what you say, I hope you stick around, this little community what we have going on is the best, and we will accept everyone with open arms. Every day at 6.00pm GMT time a post will go up until and including the 25th December. I hope you will join me on this journey I have going!

Love to you all, Chelsea aka MonstersLivingInMyMind X

Her (Long Post)

I met this girl. A girl who I thought was an okay person, someone I never really talked to, someone I would smile at in the corridoor but never really had any other encounters with. We never spoke, we just had nothing to talk about. So how come am I writing about this girl? How can someone who you know so little of cause such an impact in your life? Let’s go back about a year ago, when I was in Year 13, and she was in Year 10.

We caught the same bus as each other, and what we soon realised to be, your Dad was the driver of this bus. I wont lie, it annoyed me how she got special treatment on that bus. The fact that no one could go in her seat or that you got picked up right outside her house and, even if she were running 5 minutes late, he would wait. At the last stop on the route before we arrived at college, she would get off the bus and go get him a pasty, making us late to our lessons. This annoyed me yes, but what came next makes my blood boil. So myself and group of friends made a complaint against this, as we thought this was unfair treatment. To this day, I will stand by what I done. The next few days, her dad was no longer the driver, we had a complete new one. She still caught the bus, but always got on with hestiation. Everything seems pretty calm right now.. but then did shit hit the fan.

We werer sat at the back of the bus talking about wedding cakes, while she sat at the front. I want to repeat this. WEDDING CAKES. Then all of a sudden she is yelling down the phone, naming us one by one to who we later found out was her Dad. ‘Yeah Dad, those ring leaders *insert name here*, *another name* and Chelsea Vidler. Holly shit. What the hell have I done?! So, casually, im starting to panic. She is saying we are slagging her off and calling her names and bullying her. Again WEDDING CAKES!!! So Im now in a high state of Anxiety, and as the bus pulls in at college, I step off, gaining a few deep breaths and walk on with my mates.

I took no more than 10 steps when I here a big ‘HEY!’ in the distance. Naturally, I turn to the voice, to find her dad. A tall, quite big and chunky bloke marching over towards us. Heart racing, feeling increadibly faint I just duck my head and keep walking. ‘YOU FUCKHEADS BETTER WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACKS! HOW DARE YOU INSULT AND BULLY MY DAUGHTER?’ We all carried on walking, accept me. I stood there, in absoulte fear, quite honestly shitting myself that Im about to be dead. ‘IM GUNNA GAUGE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT OF YOUR HEAD YOU BASTARDS’ They call this the Fight, Flight or Freeze mechanism in your body. I would refer to it as Chelsea crapped herself and stood there crying her eyes out, unable to breathe and any second going to throw up because a bloke doubles her size has just threatned her.

Skip forward now to present day. 19th Novemeber 2017. She is in my house with my brother which I have just found out to be dating. Yes, I probably should have let go of this a long time ago, but I cant. She is now sitting in this home of mine, making me feel threatned by her prescence in a place that Im meant to feel happy and content in. Sitting there, eating burnt pizza because my brother forgot to check on it, cuddling up to him watching TV. While im in here, writing this, crying my eyes out because I dont want her in my life again. I want my brother to be happy, of course, I do, so Im just going to shut my mouth. Let him decide whats best for him, as it’s his life.

That doesnt make my feelings, nor memories invalid though. I still hurt.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Self-Harm

If this is how my life is going to be, I don’t want it anymore

When we say the words Self Harm, we automatically think of cutting. But there are so many other versions of inflicting harm upon yourself that wont be considered.

It’s not all about putting a blade to your skin, it can be picking away at your skin to make it bleed or bringing you to cause blistering. Not wanting to eat, skipping meals because you don’t deserve to eat today. It’s about drinking excessively to drown all your sorrows away because you don’t want to think anymore. It’s not wanting to take the paracetamol to help stop the pain because that is what you deserve, or taking to many paracetamols in a hope that you can stop all the pain in your life. It’s smoking, and not because you addicted to the nicotine because you know its killing you on the inside.

Can you tell me where any of this me attention seeking though? We say people who Self Harm are attention seekers, but were in that description does it say that I want your attention? It doesn’t, not one of the sentences include anything to do with gaining attention.

When I put that blade to my skin, skip that meal or smoke the cigarette, I’m causing deliberate harm to myself. Do you know why I do this though? We are quick to assume that a self-harmer is an attention seeking, but do you know why?

I feel like I deserve it. I don’t know why I think this, but my brain thinks this is the most logical thing to do. All the things mentioned on different ways you can hurt yourself, I do every single one of them. So when you mock people like me, people who are struggling to find their will to live, you are contributing to the harm in hurting themselves. You are the reason why I think I’m going crazy, and make me feel so little for doing this.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Withdraws

Well.. withdraws are fun, aren’t they? Especially when they are unintentional ones. I take medication, and with recently coming out of the NHS exemptions scheme because of my age, apparently, I can no longer afford to pay for my own medication!

I’m currently laying in bed, watching Netflix while shaking, feeling light-headed, having nosebleeds and vomiting. What a fun life I lead! I’m not writing this for pity though, nowhere near that. I want to get the message across that medication is addictive and it’s not as simple as you think coming off it. Its freaking hard to come of something that your body has become very dependent on.

I would love to come off my medication, so much would I love for this to happen. Until you know what it is like to become addictive to something, and how hard it is to try and come off that, please do not stand there and judge me for what I am doing. Some would probably say I slightly abuse my medication, as I don’t need so much of this and that of another, but guess what?! I can’t help it anymore. I want to get off this so bad, but the more I use it, the more my body depends on it.

‘Well, Chelsea maybe if you did not take them in the first place you wouldn’t be in this mess’ Yes, you are right. But when you are diagnosed at 16 with Depression and Suicidal Idealisation, and trying to keep this all a secret from your parents, this was the quickest and easiest option that I could find. Take a few pills, and I would be as happy as rain. Or that’s what I thought at least. I’m very lucky that I have only tried 3 different sorts of tablets for this; Citalopram, Sertraline, Back to Citalopram and now on Duloxetine.

I used to be cautious of what I took, not wanting to take to many of anything. Now if a Doctor tells me I need this drug, man I’m all over it without reading the leaflets. I do this because I just want this all to stop. And now not being able to afford my own tablets is killing me.

Withdrawing from your tablets is not fun.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Finn

July 8th, 2017.. you went missing. October 20th, 2017.. the search has been ceased.

Its weird Finn, you see I did not know you that well. We went to the same school, we live in the connecting towns and I can almost guarantee that you never even knew my name. I was just a stranger to you, and you were a stranger to me. That day though, the day you went missing.. you were the most popular name in the whole of Cornwall.

Shop windows, lampposts, bulletin boards, car windows.. They were all displaying your missing poster. Pleas going out on Facebook, the #FindFinn tag went around for weeks, but we could not find you. From not knowing you all that well, suddenly I knew something. You went missing and we need to find you.

Today the report got published, that although a body has not been found, that the search is over. We no longer are searching for you. Although there has been no stone cold hard evidence, with all the evidence that has been found, we have concluded what has happened to you, Finn.

You went to meet some mates at the pub. Your mum drives you there, as you left the house you hugged your dad tighter than what you did before and when you got out the car you leaned over and kissed your mum. You went into the pub, but the CCTV shows us that it was just you in there, no mates or nothing. You drank for a bit, went to the toilet and left. You climbed to the top of the cliffs and left your rucksack there. It hurts for me to say this but.. you jumped. In the rucksack were a few things, but the main item; a note left to your parents. A suicide note. The last thing you left for us.

So Finn, here we are. 4 months down the line, and although we kept hoping for your return, we now just hope that you are in a better place.

Finnian Layland-Stratfield ~ As your Father said ‘As a son, he was the best I could have wished for. He was gentlemanly, kind, supportive, and very protective over his family’

Personality Test

You know you can get the tests on Facebook that tell you about your personality? I clicked on the link, it analyzed my profile and here is the result –

If anyone could make broken look beautiful, then it’s her. Her strength is what keeps her going. She has a hurricane of chaos around her, but she is so damn passionate that she handles it. She loves life with all her heart and it loves her right back. She knows what she likes and how to live her life. Surrounding herself with great friends and wonderful family is what she loves doing. There is no time for liars, troublemakers and general negativity in her life. She does things her way!

For the first time ever, Facebook got some of this right. My strength is what keeps me going, I do have a hurricane of chaos around me but am passionate about what I do to handle it. I love surrounding myself with friends and family, and I don’t have time for liars or anything of that sort.

I don’t make broken look beautiful though. That line kinda shook something inside of me, because broken is not beautiful. Its ugly and horrible, and being broken is not something that is all nice. As a society, we have made the stereotype that being unreliable and broken is cute. It’s not.

I don’t love life, it’s hard right now. My life is falling apart all around me, but somehow I’m still breathing. I’m coping with life, and maybe one day I will love it, but not yet. I’m still finding my way around this place.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Pill Shaming

We need to stop shaming people who take tablets to help there Mental Health. You wouldn’t mock someone for taking a tablet because of their physical health, would you? If someone has asthma, you wouldn’t say that they don’t need an inhaler, so why would we mock someone for taking anti-depressants to help them get better?

I have and still am being pill shamed every day of my life. My brother ridicules me for taking medication to help me feel better. He constantly tells me that man-made drugs are shit and they get you hooked on them to pay more and more to the government. My brother hates me for taking pills because he cant see nothing wrong with me so he thinks it nothing. We constantly get in conflicts over this as he wants me to come off them. Why should I come off something that is helping me get better?

I don’t like taking tablets. Why would I like pumping drugs and chemicals in my system that change chemicals and functioning of my brain? It’s not a fun experience to go through. That’s something a Doctor won’t tell you either, how dependent you can become on your tablets and how much of a lifeline they can be with you. If I forget to take mine one morning, I can feel the effects. My body is freaking out, craving them again. That’s bad, I know that’s bad. For now, though, its what I will go through to get myself steady and stable.

Understand me please, understand why I take what I do.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

 

Train

I was running late as it was, my bus had just arrived at the station as my train was pulling in. So I ran off the bus and right on the train with no more than 5 seconds to spare before the whistle blew and the train started to pull off. Wheezing heavily and already in a panicky mood the ticket man was coming down the train… this is when things got bad.

I had already paid for my tickets and just had to collect them. Had the confirmation and everything, but due to the bus running late I couldn’t collect the tickets in the space of 5 seconds. I explained this to the guy, showed him my confirmation and he then asked for some ID. Thinking nothing of it, I handed my Drivers Provisoonal to him and he started jotting some things down. I thought why was he writing down my details, but then drew my attention back to my breathing to help regulate it.

He handed back my ID, looked at me in my eyes and bluntly said ‘You have a penalty fare for not having a ticket’ I’m now instantly shocked thinking ‘What the fuck have I done?’ **I want to express that I have never been given a penalty or fine, I am normally really prepared for situations, but this had been a bad day so everything kind of blurred together.** I can now feel my heart to begin racing, and I once again explained the situation basically pleading with him as I really did not need this today. Again bluntly, he turned toward me saying ‘Your excuses are invalid to me, you have 21 days to pay the fine or further action will be required. I need to know where you are travelling to and you will need to pay for a new ticket.’ So now we have discovered that Chelsea has landed herself in a lot of shit, and is panicking and freaking the fuck out, which he can clearly see.

I paid for a new ticket, and just sat there rapidly breathing repeating the words ‘I can’t breathe’ while he was finishing off the details. Now I know he probably sees a lot of people faking this, but even the lady in front turned to him and said ‘Have mercy on her, she clearly is having a bad experience’ to which he turned around to walk away and said ‘No mercy is taken on people who abuse the system.’ So as he walks away, I get out my seat and head to the train window to try and get some air. So not only have I paid my original ticket, I have now paid for a new one and got a fine.

I sit on the floor by the window, and all I can remember was thinking that I can’t stop this attack, I’m going to have to let it win. I did just that. I sat there on the ground barely breathing, tears streaming down my face, my whole body shaking. This guy passed me numerous times while walking up and down the carriages, but never once decided to just to try and calm me down. By now I did not care about the penalty, I just needed help.

As the train arrived at the station, and everyone began to get off I saw women struggling to get her baby into the pushchair. Without even a flinch, I got up and helped her as no one else was going to. And that’s the difference between myself and this man, he saw her struggling and walked past her. He saw me struggling and walked past me. I saw her struggling and put aside everything and helped. She turned to me and said ‘I saw you having a panic attack, and yet you still come to other peoples rescue. What a lovely girl you are’

There is no real big lesson to this story, nor a moral of the story. Just makes you think how some people in this world behave. If any staff from Great Western Rail are reading this, I know it’s your policy and you have to abide by that, but being kind takes nothing.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Day 0

Well, here we are. Back to the beginning. Day 0. Zero days of being Self-Harm clean. After 145 days of being strong and not leaving marks upon my body. But I don’t want your sympathy. Far from it. I wanted to tell you why people like me do this. Why we cut open your skin.

You say it because we are attention seeking, that we are messed up in the brain, that we got nothing better to do with our time. This is my way of coping when my shit goes down, it goes down like a tonne of bricks. These bricks suffocate me, make me feel like I won’t live. They take away my control, and every bit of pride & dignity I have left. We can’t control everything in life, but when you get the things that you can control taken away from you, it makes holes. It makes me feel empty like I’m not worth living anymore. But by cutting, I know I’m in control of what I’m doing, and it helps my numbness and loneliness go away again.

And you’re right, I am attention seeking. I can’t speak on behalf of everyone, but I self-harm because I want to get attention. I cant say to you I need help or that I’m suffering, so maybe you see my scars or my cuts will help you recognise that I need something. What I don’t need is people who say I do it just for fun, and that I love getting the attention and getting people to do everything for me.

Please understand me and my reasons for doing this. Cutting is not a trend its an addiction. It’s like screaming for help but no one can hear. It’s an everyday battle.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~