Hospital

**All comments expressed are just my opinions and what I think. Not wanting to start an argument, just stating what I think**

Let us be honest, the healthcare system in the UK is pretty crap. You know what is not crap though? That we get it for free. We slam our NHS to the ground, I included, but we are all forgetting that the healthcare we are provided with by these amazing doctors and nurses is done for free.

Yes, I know it sucks when you have been in a waiting room for 3+ hours waiting to see someone for all of 10 minutes of their time to be told your fine. Yes, they make pretty big fuck up’s every so often when caring for a patient. With all due respect, they work 12-hour shifts with hardly no breaks, they have one of the hardest jobs in this world, caring for someone’s life, and what do they get out of it? A shit pay with morning people. If you were working 12 hours a day, would you not make any mistakes? Yes, you can’t put prices on peoples lives but maybe we all need to understand that the NHS is under a massive strain, and going to A&E with a cough and the sniffles is not going to help their struggle.

I am not saying I don’t moan about this, I constantly do, but maybe if we just took a minute to evaluate the situation at hand, we wouldn’t be in this shit storm of a mess. Averagely a month, I spend £43.50 on my medication alone. My bank is broke as anything, but I choose to carry on broke because without my tablets I would be worse off, and using more facilities from the NHS.

I did a little bit of researching around. Say on average I saw my doctor 20 times this year, I have just cost the NHS £1854. For an ECG & CBT treatment, I just cost them £210. For each blood test that I have, it will cost around £50 each time to get it taken, sent off looked at, and results sent back. I have blood tests every month.

Holy shite. Look at that. I am costing them so much. So why the hell am I complaining about spending £43.50 a month compared to how much I cost the NHS to keep me well and healthy. I’m not saying that the NHS doesn’t have issues, I’m just saying maybe we need to have a little bit more respect for them.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Practice What You Preach

I coax people out from self-harming, yet I still create new wounds on my own body. I tell people that life is worth everything and not to take their life, but I still sit here planning different ways that I could commit myself. I help to motivate others when their Depression takes over their body, even when I am laying in bed for the 3rd day in a row because I can’t find the strength myself.

The saying goes Practice what you preach, but I don’t. It’s traditionally used in a more ironic scenario like saying to someone Hey! Smoking is bad for you, but then again I can’t say anything. Gotta practice what you preach. Although I’m not using it in that sense, it still applies and implies the exact same thing. I have no problems trying to help others out, but when it comes to helping myself out, I suck at that.

I’m writing this because I laid awake last night convincing my friend that she was alright after her Panic Attack, and speaking my other friend out of overdosing because she cants live this life anymore. Once they went to sleep, I just stared at my ceiling. I realised that I give out all this love and support, but emotionally and physically abuse myself when it comes to my Mental Health. I think I have worked out why though I do this.

These people, my friends, they don’t deserve to be going through this, they are good people who are nothing more than kind and caring to the world and would never damage it. I want to take all that pain they are feeling, and let it come to me because I know that my body will get used to all this pain, just like it has before.

Maybe I should start taking my own advice, or as they say, Practice what you preach

~MonstersLivingInMyBrain~

(PS Don’t forget to follow my Instagram! @monsterslivinginmymind)

Over

“I wish I was a little girl again because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts”

Unfortunately, me and Rhys have split. I decided that I needed to focus on my Mental Health and have my full commitment in my road to recovery so I can learn to love with all my heart. I did the decent thing by phoning him and wrote a full speech explaining my reasons. Still, though, I don’t think he understands and that’s okay. I feel so bad, but I can’t commit to something that I’m not fully into.

Knowing I have broken someone’s heart even though I still love them is horrible, and something I never wanted to do. He has helped me out so many times. The thing is though, I don’t think he got what I was going through. When I said I relapsed, he wanted to facetime me, but I wasn’t ready to face anyone at that prior moment, and he seemed to get annoyed at me through this. When I said that I had signed up to volunteer with YPC, he seemed to get annoyed that he wouldn’t get to see me, although I gave him lots of opportunities to do so.

He said to Rhi I want you to talk some sense into her! and yes I know he is hurting, but that hurt to hear. Like my Mental Health was nothing to him. I had my full sense with me, I hadn’t slept for weeks from just worrying over this relationship, I relapsed from this relationship, and he just couldn’t see it. And yes, this is selfish of me to say, but I’m just a human who has got shit going on in her life, and yes I hurt a guy who was so pure, but you can’t stay in something for all the wrong reasons.

I spoke to him this morning, and I could tell I have hurt him. I wish I could fix broken hearts, and anyone he dates in the future, they are lucky as hell, because he is one hell of a decent bloke, who would not harm a fly. If you do read this Rhys, please know that it’s not your fault, I just need time to fix myself.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Ignorance Is Bliss

I just want to share some statistics with you that I was seen and heard of:

In 2016 a survey was taken about Mental Health, and it shows us that 5.9 in 100 people suffered from Anxiety, 3.3 in 100 people suffered Depression, 4.4 in 100 people suffered from PTSD. It doesn’t stop there though, oh no. 2.0 in 100 people suffer from Bipolar disorder, and 2.4 in 100 people suffer from BPD. And not to alarm any of you but 20.6 in 100 people had suicidal thoughts resulting in 6.7 of them attempting this, along with 7.3 in 100 people Self Harming.

How amazing are these results? We have actual evidence to prove that people suffer from Mental Illnesses, but yet many people live in the Ignorance Is Bliss. Society refuses to believe that Mental Illnesses are real, but yet just under 20 people out of 100 are attempting, and much succeeding, in suicide. So please tell me how you can’t see this? How can you not see that people are suffering, and your just standing by like nothing is happening?

You may think 100 people is a lot, and that these numbers are insignificant. So I decided to work this out. There are 60.14 million people living in the UK alone. So rounding this down to 60 million, and taking the Depression statistics, I decided to average work out how many people in the UK suffer from Depression. 18,181,818.2. So rounding it and all that, 18,000,000 people in the UK alone suffer from Depression. What the actual hell are we on about. And these are only the people who have declared they have this, imagine how many people are out there that aren’t declining this.

 

Forgive my maths if this is wrong, but my point is still standing in all of this. Its stupid that we can’t see what is right in front of us, and why aren’t we getting the right help? We need to change things. We can’t live in the Ignorance Is Bliss anymore.

 

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Head

It’s all in your head!

How many times have you heard that? That these mental illnesses are in your head? That by just thinking positively you can change the way you act and think? But we all know that this is not the case, in fact, it is far from it.

Unless you go through a Mental Health issue, then you won’t know how any of this feels, and you certainly won’t understand how by Just Smiling won’t cure Depression. If I’m honest, I’m sick of this. Having people tell me to my face that it’s all in my brain, and if by thinking of cute kittens doesn’t work, going to take a jog outside. I love kittens, but they won’t cure my Disassociation and going for a jog outside won’t help me get through my Eating Disorder. You have to understand that some people need specialist help.

I saw my dentist the other week, lovely lady she was who really took her time and patience with me. When having an X-Ray of my tooth done, my Anxiety hit sky high for some reason, and I slowly started to silently cry. While doing this, her assistant was telling me to just do deep breaths, and concentrate on her voice. They honestly helped me get through this. At the end of the appointment though, she said something that made me instantly annoyed at her though. She helped me throughout this whole appointment, and her assistant was amazing, but by saying these words, it hit a raw nerve. Its all in your head Chelsea, just remember that.

And let me clear something up about this, YES I KNOW ITS IN MY HEAD, ITS CALLED A MENTAL ILLNESS!!! You can tell me as many times as you like that it’s in my head, it’s not going to make a single bit of difference. I wish you could see it, man I do, because then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m going crazy. Just because it’s in my head though, doesn’t make it any less real, and everyone should respect this.

We need to start taking Mental Illness as serious as Physical ones as well.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Human

I am only a human. I still have feelings just like you. I’m not a toy that you can mess around with, and play when you want with to chuck aside when you’re bored with. You think that I’m just doing this all for attention, and do you know what? I wish I fucking was because hell, it would make my life bearable to live with and I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit every single day.

I have a heart, one that wants love, just like yours does. So why am I less deserving of love because I got these labels to me? Why can’t I be loved because I have an Anxiety Disorder? Why can’t I be loved because I Self Harm? Tell me that. With love in my life, and knowing I wanted would make a whole lot of difference to this life of mine.

I have a brain, on that learns new things every day, just like yours does. So tell me why you speak down and little of me, telling me I’m worthless, and a piece of shit? I wake up every morning with the feeling of shit on me already, let alone you adding more into my life. I don’t like who I am, I don’t want to be here, but funnily enough, I walk through life still smiling when someone calls me a waste of space.

I screw up way too much, I make choices in my life they won’t like, I take chances that others would say are foolish, but guess what? I’m human. I can’t please everyone in this world, no matter how hard I try. I take medication to help me through my days and keep me alive, some people would say that’s admirable of me, admitting I need help, others would say that ridiculous that I’m shoving chemicals into my body that I don’t know what could happen to me. I choose to take my tablets, you don’t own me. You never have, and you never will.

So do me a little favour.. back the fuck off me. I’m only human.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Tattoo

Tattoos tell a story I think, about what someone has been through or how they are feeling inside. I have 3 tattoos, I have Treas’ wings on my back, an arrow with symbols on my foot, and a semicolon on my wrist. I decided to tell you the story of how I came to the decision of wanting these tattoos, and what they mean to me.

My 1st tattoo, angel wings with my grandmother’s nickname underneath 14224781_860135254118448_5141912494308692120_nit. 7 years ago, this world lost the most caring human that I ever knew. She gained her wings, and there is not a day that does not go by where I do not miss her. I wanted to tattoo her on me to remind me that she is always with me, maybe not in person, but definitely in heart and mind.

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My second tattoo is an arrow on my foot. My artist designed the arrow and added in my symbols for me, which read Fall down 7 times, Stand up 8 meaning that no matter how many times that you fall down, you must get up again and try. From dealing with all this, it would be so easy for me to give up on myself but this tattoo and quote reminds me that I got to carry on and fight this.

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Lastly, my semi-colon tattoo. The movement My story is not over has a lot of meaning to me. From self-harming to overdosing, and suicidal thoughts, this tattoo means so much to me. The pretty design above it is to show that even when things get dark, and you think there is no hope, something beautiful can still happen. I like the thought of this.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

 

 

 

Forgetting

Lifes just been a bit up and down recently, and I did the stupid thing of forgetting to take my medication down Rhys’ so am currently on the withdrawing side of this, and overdosing to numb the pain is so tempting, but I know I’m stronger than this urge. It is taking all my energy, to the point where moving a muscle hurts and laying in bed is what I have been doing. This will for sure make me remember to take my medication no matter where I go!

Also with my medication changing around, I became very addicted to my old medication so had to face myself withdrawing from that, and then becoming very dependent on this new medication and forgetting to bring it with me meant I was basically a quivering wreck for a good 3 days. But things are getting back now. It might have taken a while, but I am getting there.

Apologies for not posting, but with this all going on and family troubles hitting home recently, things had to take a back seat for a bit. If however, you are interested, I now have an instagram! My name on it is MonstersLivingInMyMind that I post quite regularly on, so come and join the depressing fun of my life!

Love to you all x

~Monsters Living In My Mind ~

Life Update

Well, where do I even begin?! So much has happened since we had a proper catch-up. If you follow the blog then you would have read some of the things that have been happening, but I thought I would shove it all into one post with other pieces of news!

Sadly I lost my friend Tom to suicide a month back now and found out that my Auntie did not pass on from natural causes, she too took her own life. Last week my friend attempted suicide. Luckily she is still here with us but makes it none the easier. Due to all this, I have had to up the dosage of my medication as my own suicidal thoughts and feelings were coming back, and I was at high risk of self-harm. I am, however, pleased to say that I am still clean, and have recently hit my target of 100+ days! The big proud moment for me!

Slightly TMI for some of you, but had to change my contraception method as it was interfering with my medication, so am currently on a 50+ day period which has been fun times. Why is my body punishing me for not wanting to get pregnant?! Jeez, I can’t look after myself, let alone a small human highly depending on me.

 

18671069_1022259121239393_9073489086420610101_nFollowing on quite nicely from that though, the family has welcomed in our latest addition. A little girl called Frankie J Wills. She has kept me sane and going for all this time, just knowing that if I did anything stupid, I might be risking this little girl growing up without a cousin, and knowing I won’t be able to see her grow and develop hurts even more. I do have to say though, she is just so gosh darn cute!!

 

I have graduated from college, and there will be a whole blog post on that, along with a blog post about myself and Rhys, and how the relationship is going (its great by the way!) but yes. That is all for today, and I hope you are all keeping well. I’m always here if you need me.

Chelsea x

Happy Pills

I take medication, a total of 8 tablets in a day. Many people take more, many people take less. I just want to clear something up though, about my medication, they are not happy pills. They are not magical things that will cure my Mental Health problems, they don’t make my depression just disappear. They help balance out the chemicals in my brain, they help me feel normal again, they help the voices in my head calm down.

My medication saves my life. It saves me every single day. I have to take them every single day. Do you know what the worst thing is though? I’m addicted to them. I have tried many of times to come of them, and I can’t do it. I withdraw from them, my heart starts to race, I start sweating, my irritability goes sky high, and let’s not forget about the Anxiety & Panic Attacks. Don’t forget that.

I’m not weak for taking medication, I’m weak without my medication. My tablets help make me stronger, more capable of managing my life, without them, I would collapse. Both mentally and physically collapse. What is weak though, is taking the mickey out of someone who takes medication to help control these conditions.

I have been 3 different anti-depressants, and I now have only found my right one. They are not just all happy pills, some of them made me worse. A lot worse. Now I’m stable, but for how long? Maybe this is my long term tablet, the one which will help me, but it’s not my happy pill. It doesn’t make me feel on top of the world, but it sure does help me get through my bad days, nights, weeks, months.

I don’t take happy pills, I take pills that save my life.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~