Category: Letters

Sorry

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I want to send out a public apologie as I hurt some peoples feelings, which I never intentionally meant to do. I would never mean to hurt or offend anyone with any intention, and if I did that would be pretty shitty of me.

I post about my life on here quite a lot, as this is the main outlet of emotions for me, and a way in which I think is a good way to manage them in a more controlled way. The things I write on here are my pure feelings, of what I feel in that moment and time. They may come across blunt, and maybe a little inconsiderate to others but unfortunately, this is the way I felt in these certain situations.

I can come across pretty aggressive sometimes, and say things that are not necessarily thought through, but what people need to understand about this blog is that these are the raw emotions I feel. And yes, it may hurt to see what I feel written down for all to see and find, but this mini platform of mine is something that makes me feel safe. When I write, it comes from my heart, how I truly feel over situations, and by getting it out in the open is a way that I cope.

Let’s also be a little honest, this blog stops me from doing a lot of stupid things such as Self-Harming or letting them Suicidal thoughts get louder. So maybe the reason I come across the way I do is that I’m trying to let out anger, trying to gain the loss of control over situations, or just trying to make sense of situations. By writing these out, it can really help me to understand different points of view, as I am well aware that I can sometimes only see my point, and don’t take others into consideration whereas when I write it out I can see how others feelings and their lives might have affected this.

So I just wanted to apologise, and those people out there know who they are, as I never meant to hurt you this way.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Walk Away

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I hope you never have to experience what I have in my life. I hope that you understand why I did the things I have. Most of all though, I hope you know I never done any of this to hurt you.

29th August 2017. I told you I had to cancel because of an emergency shift at work when the truth was that I had been planning to end my own life that night. 13th January 2018. You messaged me out the blue saying that you want us to be friends again, but I have to commit to the friendship. You said you knew I was lying, I want to call it that I was trying to shield you from the truth

Commitment is not a strong point of mine, and it makes it harder to commit when you have illnesses holding you back. I said I deal with Suicide Idealisation and you said ‘idk if  I can deal with someone I’m close to dying again’ We both lost Tom back in May 2017, and I can’t get mad at you for saying that. I just feel that you should know that Depression is a killer, and someone who is suffering from it will push people away. I need people who will fight back for me and want to be there.

I understand that this is hard for you to lose someone to Suicide so I can see why you may find this situation hard. You said ‘Im just trying to figure out if I can do this’ which gives me the feeling that you cant deal with this. That you cant deal with me and let’s be honest here, I don’t just have a straightforward problem, I have a roundabout load of problems. Maybe this is me being blunt, or maybe it’s me being honest, but having people in my life is one of the most important things to me, but if you cant deal with who I am then maybe you shouldn’t be apart of my life. Which I know would make me a very lonely person, but I rather am someone with little to no friends then someone with lots of friends who cant deal with me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can leave and I won’t make you feel guilty for it. I understand, I’m kind of a lost cause trying to figure out the world and I know I’m a lot to deal with, and I take up a hell of a lot of time, time which you don’t have. Just know one thing..

I’m going to miss you Kate, more than you will ever know.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Finn

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July 8th, 2017.. you went missing. October 20th, 2017.. the search has been ceased.

Its weird Finn, you see I did not know you that well. We went to the same school, we live in the connecting towns and I can almost guarantee that you never even knew my name. I was just a stranger to you, and you were a stranger to me. That day though, the day you went missing.. you were the most popular name in the whole of Cornwall.

Shop windows, lampposts, bulletin boards, car windows.. They were all displaying your missing poster. Pleas going out on Facebook, the #FindFinn tag went around for weeks, but we could not find you. From not knowing you all that well, suddenly I knew something. You went missing and we need to find you.

Today the report got published, that although a body has not been found, that the search is over. We no longer are searching for you. Although there has been no stone cold hard evidence, with all the evidence that has been found, we have concluded what has happened to you, Finn.

You went to meet some mates at the pub. Your mum drives you there, as you left the house you hugged your dad tighter than what you did before and when you got out the car you leaned over and kissed your mum. You went into the pub, but the CCTV shows us that it was just you in there, no mates or nothing. You drank for a bit, went to the toilet and left. You climbed to the top of the cliffs and left your rucksack there. It hurts for me to say this but.. you jumped. In the rucksack were a few things, but the main item; a note left to your parents. A suicide note. The last thing you left for us.

So Finn, here we are. 4 months down the line, and although we kept hoping for your return, we now just hope that you are in a better place.

Finnian Layland-Stratfield ~ As your Father said ‘As a son, he was the best I could have wished for. He was gentlemanly, kind, supportive, and very protective over his family’

Dear Frankie

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Dear Frankie,

You arrived into this world on April 21st, 2017 at 9.30pm, and what a beautiful sight you are. Your blue eyes, your tiny feet, and little hands. You captured my heart.

Your family loves you more than you ever know, but you really did something inside of me. You filled my missing puzzle piece to my heart, and when I hold you, my heart is just complete. Holding you makes me feel so happy inside, and like I am at peace with this world. Everything just stops, the voices in my head go silent, my urges just disappear, everything just goes calm.

I was scared when I heard Auntie was pregnant, thinking how could I ever love something as much as I ever love Zane. He has been my world for 4 years before you, but it’s magical just how much the heart can grow. I should have had no fear. I love you both just the same.

Frankie, you have the world at your feet. You can do anything you want to do, be anything you want to be, but always know that I’m here. I will always protect you in any way I can, always know that you fill my heart when I’m with you.

Love Chelsea x

 

Dear Self-Harm

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Dear Self-Harm,

So, here we are again. We meet again, my good ol’ friend. You and me, we have a relationship like no other. One where I hate you, but then suddenly crave you, and then you leave marks on my body, ones which society judge me on.

I’m not proud of you, I’m sorry to say that. If truth is known, I would preferer if you were not in my life, but we are stuck with what we are given, and I got given you. We should be grateful for what we are given in life, and take what we are offered. I never wanted to take you, though, that’s the problem. You were forced upon me, like a needy puppy needing attention all the time. You crave my attention, and when I give it to you, you take revenge. You leave something on my body. Every single time.

I have asked numerous times for you to leave, and sometimes you do, you go on a little vacation, for a week, maybe even 2 if I’m lucky, but then you come back, make yourself at home, and start again. You even have the pleasure of meeting my other good friends, Anxiety, Depression and the rest of the gang! You lot have such a good party, you like controlling me, making me feel like shit, and leaving me to hang on my last thread.

If you ever do decide that you maybe want to leave, that would be quite nice. Ill even pack your suitcase for you, and make you a packed lunch, and make sure you stay safe. I just don’t want you anymore. I hope you understand.

Love, the person’s body you now control x

Mum & Dad

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Hey Mum & Dad,

I wrote you a letter a while back, do you remember it? I thought I would follow on from it, give you a bit of an update on how I’m feeling now.

Shit could be a word that I could use, as that is where my life is heading right now, to the shits. You cradled your little girl 18 years ago, loving this bundle of joy, now you don’t know who I am. I hide things from you constantly, to protect you, if you knew the truth, you would not look at me the same way.

Your little girl keeps bringing back up her food by self-inducing because she feels fat. Your little girl is back to her self-harm ways, new scars are coming upon her body again. Your little girl keeps on having mental breakdowns because she can’t deal with her own life anymore.

‘Speak to us’ you say. Mum, I love you to pieces, but you said suicide was a cop out of life, and that you just got to put your depression behind you. Dad, your the best, but when you saw my drawings you said you would have sent me in a psychiatric hold. You see why I can’t?

I Love You x

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Dear 21 Year Old Me

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Hi future Chelsea,

How are you? I hope you are doing good, I hope you feel a lot better than what you did when you were 17.

Do you remember how you felt? Do you remember what your daily struggles were? Do you remember the happy times you had?

You felt lost, alone and scared, like no one in this world was on your side, and that you just needed to escape from the world you were in. Has this changed?

You struggled to put on that same upbeat smile everyday, some days it was such an effort just to get out of your bed, that you would lay there for an extra 20 minutes, hoping and wishing that you could find the strength to not have to keep convincing yourself. Has this changed?

Remember when you went shopping with Rhiannon? You loved going around primark with her, choosing an outfit, just letting no worries get in your way. Remember when you met Rhys for the first time, you could not keep a smile of your face, and that was a genuine one?

I hope things have changed now you are 21, and that you have found your feet, and that all your wishes that you made upon a star have come true..

Love past Chelsea, holding on and waiting for things to get better x

Dear Society

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Dear Society,

Hi, my name is Chelsea, or as you would more likely refer to me as a dumb blonde teenager who knows nothing. I know what you think, you don’t have to deny it, there is no point. I’m just another girl to you, who you think won’t do anything good with their life. You think that I’m going to be pregnant before my 18th birthday and be living of benefits. You think that I’m a drug/alcohol addict who wastes her money and does not work.  Dear society, you are completely wrong.

I am the girl who volunteers her own time to help Girlguiding UK, to help empower girls who are younger than me, to have self-confidence, to dream big, and to not let society form and mold them to their ideas of perfection.

I am the girl who does not do drugs or alcohol, I only drink water as my main source of liquid, and I have not ever taken illegal drugs in my life, and don’t intend to start that any time soon, hopefully never.

Society, I would like you to know that I have a lot of struggles at the moment, and when I see you trying to put me down, and rip me apart, it does work, I get torn down piece by piece. I know I should not say that, as its confessing that it works, but it is true.

You have made me think that being skinny is awful, because no man wants ‘Dog bones’, and being ‘thicker’ is way better as no one wants to hug a bag of bones.

Don’t you worry though, because even with your comments, you thoughts, your judgements, you do not own me, I own myself. You can label me to as much as your heart contents, but one by one, I will keep ripping them off, until I break through them.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Dear Mum & Dad

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Dear Mum & Dad,

Its is your little girl here, the little girl that mum gave birth to on the sunny morning at 10.07am, on the 19th September 1998, who you decided to call Chelsea Marie Vidler. You held me close, saying that you would give me the world if you could. Your precious bundle of joy is here now, the thing you don’t know yet though, is this bundle of joy has a big medical journey ahead of her, one that she keeps secret as much as possible from you to not hurt you, because she knows how much you love her.

Mum & Dad, I might say some days that your horrible, that you never do anything for me, or that I just don’t want to live with you no more, but that is all lies. I love you to the moon and back, you said you would give me the world if you could, I wish I could give you more to tell you how much I love you.

That bundle of joy, you want to protect her from the outside world, and not let any harm come to her. That’s the thing though, I have been diagnosed with more medical problems then you more likely know. Your little girl has Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depression, An Eating Disorder, Visual Migraines, and more likely a whole lot more to come. I know you want to take them all away from me, but that is the thing, you can’t do this for me, I have to do this one on my own. And as hard as that seems to  you, it is better for me, I’m so sorry. I don’t do this to hurt you, I would never do that, you mean so much to me, sometimes though, it is better this way, maybe not for you, but most certainly for me.

Your princess is going to be 18 this year, she is going to be out in the big world and classed as an adult by law. She is growing up quicker than you want her too, you wish you could keep her small, but things change. There is always one thing though, Mum & Dad, I might be an adult from law, but I will always be your little girl no matter what.

I know you are not reading any of this, but I love you.

~ Monsters Living In My Mind ~

A letter to my Depression

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To my Depression

My dear old friend depression, why do you want to do this to me? That is the thing, I had an awesome childhood, nothing went wrong or anything like that, but somehow, I still have got this.

You make me lay in my bed, while I hear my family laughing around, I want to pick myself up and join them, but there you are again, telling me there is no point, they wont want me there again. I want to let my heart take control, but somehow you over rule it with the brain power you have taken from me.

Telling me constantly why am I worth anything to anyone, making me fear constant failure and letting people who I dearly love down. See this is the thing Depression, you have come here for no reason,  why take control of me, I am only little, I can’t handle you.

Little old me, fighting you on my own. But let me tell you one thing, you will not win, no matter how hard you try to push me over the edge you will not win. I might have hit a new low recently, and suffering quite bad, but mark my words you, you have not seen or heard the last of me.

~ Monsters Living In My Mind ~