Good Enough

Nothing hurts you more than when you’re trying your best and you still come out not being good enough. That sinking feeling, your eyes filling with tears, the sound of your voice breaking. It all hurts you, each feeling like a stab in your heart and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I think this is the feeling that is hurting me the most. I want to be the perfect person, one who is flawless, one who doesn’t fuck up every time she touches something, I just want people to realise that I am trying. I’m trying so god damn hard to make something of myself.

I want to be the daughter my parents wished for, a friend that isn’t broken inside, a sister that would make my brother proud. I want to show people that is not just my Mental Health, and not be defined by them. How can I do that though? How can I show people that I’m more than my labels when they are the ones that are dominating my life. Everything I do is defined by my illnesses.

From that shaking of my foot, the tapping to try and calm my heart down, avoiding all eye contact to people to not let them see into my life. I want to be good enough, I want people to love me for who I am. This post is a bit everywhere, I’m aware of that. Not much of this probably makes sense, but how can you make sense of my thoughts when even you cant make sense of what you’re thinking?

My mind is going 100mph right now, and I cant slow it down. All them self-help apps keep saying to talk to professionals. How are they going to make sense of what is going on when I can’t even pinpoint what is making me feel like this? They cant help me when I don’t even know what is going wrong in my life. All I do know is that I’m struggling, and I just want to be the person everyone thinks I can be.

I’m not good enough for anyone, and that feeling is hurting me the most.

~MonstersLivingMyMind~

13 Reasons Why – S1 VS S2

A Netflix show that has divided many. One that shows the raw details of Hannah Baker’s life, and why she decided to end it. I wrote a post named 14 Reasons Why Not, where I wrote about all the reasons why not to watch season one because of the way it portrays mental health. Now watching season two, it has left me with very much mixed feelings

Season one shows us why (and how) someone’s actions can lead to suicide. I do not agree on how they portrayed most things in the season as showing Hannah’s suicide scene was an insensitive move, especially because of there being no warnings around this. There was no mentioning of any of the characters, not just Hannah’s, mental health. These were insensitive moves that they took with little thought for their viewers and the personal struggles they could be going through.

Season Two has left people with mixed feelings, some saying that the final episode with the sexual assault scene was too much, while others jump to defend the show’s decision in this by saying that warnings were sent out for this scene and that it was at the viewer’s the discretion to continue watching.

My opinion? I think that season 2 is a lot more accurate in accordance to Hannah’s suicide. I do think that the scene featuring Tyler was a bit too much. I look at it though and despite my first reaction to this graphic scene, I do see why they have put this in. That scene alone has generated a whole new discussion in society about the impacts of sexual assault/ abuse and being able to start a conversation about this matter. With this topic being a taboo subject, a person who has gone through this can find it hard to open up. This could be a way to slowly introduce the idea of speaking about sexual assault and lead into a flowing conversation.

The other episodes however really won me over. It shows issues in a true light and doesn’t attempt to glamorise any of it or try to make it into a comedy to make something of such a sensitive issue into a mockery. Take some of the characters story as examples; Justin, they show what life can be like for someone struggling with drug addiction, Jessica and her acceptance in her sexual abuse and learn how to deal with it, Alex on his progression journey after his suicide attempt, or Clay and the grieving process he goes through with Hannah’s death.

One thing that did make me very happy about this season of 13 Reasons Why is that they talk about the characters Mental Health, and opening up the clarification of Hannah and her experience of depression. Watching these episodes, I found that the production team have put a lot more thought into the new season compared to the first one. This along with featuring at the end of each episode a web-address with an actors voice saying go to the website to find resources, and at the beginning of the season with the actors being filmed, giving out viewer discretion and explaining what the show is about showing us that they took the comments in that society had and improved the show.

The second season has left me thinking about mental health and suicide and how this show is a great way to start a conversation on this topic.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

 

 

Fucked

Well was that not a good Blogmas?!

Yeah… I’m sorry. College went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. Family went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. You catching my drift? Life became a little fucked.

In one month I discovered that my Mum cannot cope too well with my Mental Disorders, my friends aren’t true friends, that you cant make jokes like every other human does, and the world can be a pretty fucked up place. Oh and how much I can cry and have mental breakdowns in a day is improving, almost every 2 hours is about the record I think.

In simple terms- A) My mum saw some of my Self Harm cuts and freaked out and won’t speak about anything like this anymore. B) My friends think that by talking to my deputy’s head about me, instead of talking to me about me, is a better way to solve solutions. Also, I can no longer speak to them about my personal health as it puts to much strain on them, but they can talk to me all the time about their problems. C) **Links to B** apparently by saying phrases such as ‘I need like 20 paracetamol, my head is killing me’ is now considered a suicide phrase. Along with ‘My mum is going to kill me for failing that test’, ‘This work is killing me slowly’ and my favourite ‘If I jump from this window, do you think I have to do the test?’ D) This world apparently can’t deal with people having bad Mental Health, and therefore ignore everything to do with it. E) I’m probably crying too much.

So yeah, that’s a nice little update for you all. What a happy, festive post for you all to read. I’m sorry, just a lot going on and not having much support around me is kind of showing right now.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Withdraws

Well.. withdraws are fun, aren’t they? Especially when they are unintentional ones. I take medication, and with recently coming out of the NHS exemptions scheme because of my age, apparently, I can no longer afford to pay for my own medication!

I’m currently laying in bed, watching Netflix while shaking, feeling light-headed, having nosebleeds and vomiting. What a fun life I lead! I’m not writing this for pity though, nowhere near that. I want to get the message across that medication is addictive and it’s not as simple as you think coming off it. Its freaking hard to come of something that your body has become very dependent on.

I would love to come off my medication, so much would I love for this to happen. Until you know what it is like to become addictive to something, and how hard it is to try and come off that, please do not stand there and judge me for what I am doing. Some would probably say I slightly abuse my medication, as I don’t need so much of this and that of another, but guess what?! I can’t help it anymore. I want to get off this so bad, but the more I use it, the more my body depends on it.

‘Well, Chelsea maybe if you did not take them in the first place you wouldn’t be in this mess’ Yes, you are right. But when you are diagnosed at 16 with Depression and Suicidal Idealisation, and trying to keep this all a secret from your parents, this was the quickest and easiest option that I could find. Take a few pills, and I would be as happy as rain. Or that’s what I thought at least. I’m very lucky that I have only tried 3 different sorts of tablets for this; Citalopram, Sertraline, Back to Citalopram and now on Duloxetine.

I used to be cautious of what I took, not wanting to take to many of anything. Now if a Doctor tells me I need this drug, man I’m all over it without reading the leaflets. I do this because I just want this all to stop. And now not being able to afford my own tablets is killing me.

Withdrawing from your tablets is not fun.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

What Is Depression?

It’s a cold winter night, the rain is pattering against the window. Draw yourself a bath, a warm cosy bath. This bath has your favourite scents all mixed into one, maybe with a few bubbles. Turn off the lights to let the candles glow brighter, take off your clothes and get into the warmth. Feel all your worries just soak away, anything bad of what happened today, just let them all go.

Suddenly, The water is gone. The candles are out. The cold surrounds you. You are still sitting in that bathtub though. You are frozen there, you cant move. All them scents have been replaced by a musky smell, and the room feels tiny. You are alone, you scream as loud as you can but with no help in return.

The weird thing though… the 1st description is what is actually happening, the 2nd description is what is going on in your head.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Practice What You Preach

I coax people out from self-harming, yet I still create new wounds on my own body. I tell people that life is worth everything and not to take their life, but I still sit here planning different ways that I could commit myself. I help to motivate others when their Depression takes over their body, even when I am laying in bed for the 3rd day in a row because I can’t find the strength myself.

The saying goes Practice what you preach, but I don’t. It’s traditionally used in a more ironic scenario like saying to someone Hey! Smoking is bad for you, but then again I can’t say anything. Gotta practice what you preach. Although I’m not using it in that sense, it still applies and implies the exact same thing. I have no problems trying to help others out, but when it comes to helping myself out, I suck at that.

I’m writing this because I laid awake last night convincing my friend that she was alright after her Panic Attack, and speaking my other friend out of overdosing because she cants live this life anymore. Once they went to sleep, I just stared at my ceiling. I realised that I give out all this love and support, but emotionally and physically abuse myself when it comes to my Mental Health. I think I have worked out why though I do this.

These people, my friends, they don’t deserve to be going through this, they are good people who are nothing more than kind and caring to the world and would never damage it. I want to take all that pain they are feeling, and let it come to me because I know that my body will get used to all this pain, just like it has before.

Maybe I should start taking my own advice, or as they say, Practice what you preach

~MonstersLivingInMyBrain~

(PS Don’t forget to follow my Instagram! @monsterslivinginmymind)

Human

I am only a human. I still have feelings just like you. I’m not a toy that you can mess around with, and play when you want with to chuck aside when you’re bored with. You think that I’m just doing this all for attention, and do you know what? I wish I fucking was because hell, it would make my life bearable to live with and I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit every single day.

I have a heart, one that wants love, just like yours does. So why am I less deserving of love because I got these labels to me? Why can’t I be loved because I have an Anxiety Disorder? Why can’t I be loved because I Self Harm? Tell me that. With love in my life, and knowing I wanted would make a whole lot of difference to this life of mine.

I have a brain, on that learns new things every day, just like yours does. So tell me why you speak down and little of me, telling me I’m worthless, and a piece of shit? I wake up every morning with the feeling of shit on me already, let alone you adding more into my life. I don’t like who I am, I don’t want to be here, but funnily enough, I walk through life still smiling when someone calls me a waste of space.

I screw up way too much, I make choices in my life they won’t like, I take chances that others would say are foolish, but guess what? I’m human. I can’t please everyone in this world, no matter how hard I try. I take medication to help me through my days and keep me alive, some people would say that’s admirable of me, admitting I need help, others would say that ridiculous that I’m shoving chemicals into my body that I don’t know what could happen to me. I choose to take my tablets, you don’t own me. You never have, and you never will.

So do me a little favour.. back the fuck off me. I’m only human.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Tom

May 1st, 2017. A body was found in my local woods. A suicide had happened. Little did I know, this was your body, Tom.

We haven’t spoken for a while now Tom, life just got in my way, but we used to be so close.In secondary school, we were in a band together. We done a few shows, we made memories together. Then life just swamped us, you moved to college, and I had GCSE’s to focus on. Even so, when I read ‘Local boy Thomas body found in the woods’ my heart went.

It was 2 am when I found out it was you. I was just lying in bed, going through Facebook, and an article came up from the local newspaper saying ‘Local boy’s body found’ So I clicked on it. I wanted to see who it was. And your name was there. Over the last few years, we stopped talking altogether. I pushed you away, but maybe if I stayed in contact, maybe made more of an effort, you wouldn’t have done this. I don’t want to make this about me Tom because I wish you knew how many people love you. Some of my happiest memories were of the school band, and how life was just so simple then. Remember when we went bowling? Or when we used to play pranks on one another in the band? I hold them close. We were so close, and now your gone, I can’t change things.

You took your life in your only happy place, the woods. Where all the beautiful flowers are coming into bloom, and the trees are all budding out. You always went down there, when you just wanted some alone time. Even before you took your life though, you still had one thing, one little thing that made you happy. You still held a little happiness till the end.

Tom, I hope you’re happy now, because you so deserve it. We won’t forget you x

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Mental Health & Me

Hello Everyone!

My name is Chelsea, I am 18 & live in sunny Cornwall. I live with various Mental Illnesses, along with a few physical ones. My life is not simple, quite honestly far from it, but then I know people have it worse out there. I run this blog for two main purposes, to help let off what is on my chest, but most importantly; to make sure that other people know that they are not alone out there.

I have been diagnosed with; Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Eating Disorders (Binging, Vomiting, Bulimia), Self Harm, and the latest to join the collection Disassociation.  Alongside this, I am now being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder.

My medication is; Pizotifen, Propranolol, Duloxetine & Diazepam. I am quite blessed that I don’t take any more. I have tried out other medications including Citalopram & Sertraline along with a long list of others and different doses. I think, hope and pray that the ones I am currently on are doing their job.

I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Mental Health as a whole and like to write about them. This is my way of letting off steam in a slightly more controlled way than fighting in person!! Mental Health is different for us all, we all get affected by it differently, and these are things I write about are just what I feel or have been through.

We need to change the culture of this topic and make it okay to speak about Mental Health & Suicide.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Depression

Hello Everyone!

Depression is a low mood that lasts for a long time and affects your everyday life. In its mildest form, depression can mean just being in low spirits. It doesn’t stop you leading your normal life but makes everything harder to do and seem less worthwhile. At its most severe, depression can be life-threatening because it can make you feel suicidal or simply give up the will to live. 

~ http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WM1-dJCLTrc ~

I like to think of depression in levels. Level one is the mildest form, whereas level 5 is at its worst from. I constantly fluctuate between these. As any average person, your mood can depend on a lot of things. When I look at my depression, it forms over different situations, but it is constantly there.

I have been on the severe end before, and it’s no fun. You hear constantly people saying that its a cop out and a waste of a life, a waste of a life is you telling me I’m wasting my life because it that depressed that I can’t see the point in living anymore. How you can tell me that is nothing I don’t know, but hey what do I know about Depression?!

Anyway, getting help is important. I have received help from a lot of services, ones that I will mention in future posts, and honestly, without them, I don’t think I would be here today. I have to give thanks to a lot of people for standing by me in a lot of situations, as I also would not be here without them.

My name is Chelsea, and I have Depression.