Tom

May 1st, 2017. A body was found in my local woods. A suicide had happened. Little did I know, this was your body, Tom.

We haven’t spoken for a while now Tom, life just got in my way, but we used to be so close.In secondary school, we were in a band together. We done a few shows, we made memories together. Then life just swamped us, you moved to college, and I had GCSE’s to focus on. Even so, when I read ‘Local boy Thomas body found in the woods’ my heart went.

It was 2 am when I found out it was you. I was just lying in bed, going through Facebook, and an article came up from the local newspaper saying ‘Local boy’s body found’ So I clicked on it. I wanted to see who it was. And your name was there. Over the last few years, we stopped talking altogether. I pushed you away, but maybe if I stayed in contact, maybe made more of an effort, you wouldn’t have done this. I don’t want to make this about me Tom because I wish you knew how many people love you. Some of my happiest memories were of the school band, and how life was just so simple then. Remember when we went bowling? Or when we used to play pranks on one another in the band? I hold them close. We were so close, and now your gone, I can’t change things.

You took your life in your only happy place, the woods. Where all the beautiful flowers are coming into bloom, and the trees are all budding out. You always went down there, when you just wanted some alone time. Even before you took your life though, you still had one thing, one little thing that made you happy. You still held a little happiness till the end.

Tom, I hope you’re happy now, because you so deserve it. We won’t forget you x

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Mental Health & Me

Hello Everyone!

My name is Chelsea, I am 18 & live in sunny Cornwall. I live with various Mental Illnesses, along with a few physical ones. My life is not simple, quite honestly far from it, but then I know people have it worse out there. I run this blog for two main purposes, to help let off what is on my chest, but most importantly; to make sure that other people know that they are not alone out there.

I have been diagnosed with; Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Eating Disorders (Binging, Vomiting, Bulimia), Self Harm, and the latest to join the collection Disassociation.  Alongside this, I am now being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder.

My medication is; Pizotifen, Propranolol, Duloxetine & Diazepam. I am quite blessed that I don’t take any more. I have tried out other medications including Citalopram & Sertraline along with a long list of others and different doses. I think, hope and pray that the ones I am currently on are doing their job.

I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Mental Health as a whole and like to write about them. This is my way of letting off steam in a slightly more controlled way than fighting in person!! Mental Health is different for us all, we all get affected by it differently, and these are things I write about are just what I feel or have been through.

We need to change the culture of this topic and make it okay to speak about Mental Health & Suicide.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Depression

Hello Everyone!

Depression is a low mood that lasts for a long time and affects your everyday life. In its mildest form, depression can mean just being in low spirits. It doesn’t stop you leading your normal life but makes everything harder to do and seem less worthwhile. At its most severe, depression can be life-threatening because it can make you feel suicidal or simply give up the will to live. 

~ http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WM1-dJCLTrc ~

I like to think of depression in levels. Level one is the mildest form, whereas level 5 is at its worst from. I constantly fluctuate between these. As any average person, your mood can depend on a lot of things. When I look at my depression, it forms over different situations, but it is constantly there.

I have been on the severe end before, and it’s no fun. You hear constantly people saying that its a cop out and a waste of a life, a waste of a life is you telling me I’m wasting my life because it that depressed that I can’t see the point in living anymore. How you can tell me that is nothing I don’t know, but hey what do I know about Depression?!

Anyway, getting help is important. I have received help from a lot of services, ones that I will mention in future posts, and honestly, without them, I don’t think I would be here today. I have to give thanks to a lot of people for standing by me in a lot of situations, as I also would not be here without them.

My name is Chelsea, and I have Depression.

 

Boat

Hello Everyone!

I’m in this boat, its full but not with people or objects. It’s full of Mental Health. This boat is not real, it’s in my mind so no one else can see it. I can tell you all about this boat, so many facts and stories that have happened on this boat, the highs and lows, and the waves and storms.

This boat, it’s been a part of me for a few years now. To begin with, I had a bit of company, I had Anxiety on board firstly, followed closely by Depression. As time has gone on, we got more and more company. Sometimes they like the build their own boat and go on a little vacation without me, which is quite nice, but they always come back.

On this boat, we have just welcomed our latest member Disassociation. It’s becoming tougher now, though, this is only a small boat, and I have so many people on it. And I don’t know how much more this boat is going to take before it goes down. The company is trying to sink my boat, and I’m trying so hard to keep it floating. As quickly as it draining the boat out, they just bring more back in. And they don’t help to clear it.

I don’t want this company anymore, I need someone to help me keep the water out instead of bringing more in. The more company I get, the harder it is getting to keep everything afloat. We sometimes have slip ups, and sometimes we might fall overboard, but that does not stop anyone from coming back. They don’t realise, they are weighing me down. And it’s becoming a lot harder to keep my strength.

My boat is sinking again, and I can’t stop it this time.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Why?

Hello Everyone!

I want to warn everyone now, this will involve swearing, I apologise.

Tell me why. Why am I like this? Why does it have to be me? Why to the person who tries so hard in their life, does it get thrown back in their faces? Because I try so fucking hard every day to please everyone, while I’m breaking down inside. And what do I get? A bucket tonne of shit landing on me.

No one in this whole world knows what goes on behind closed doors, but somehow we find it in our god given right to piss people about and fuck them over again and again. So answer me this, why should I stay? Why should I stick around? If all I get in this life is shit after shit, why should I stick around? Because thus far, my life this past couple of years have bring nothing but pain and misery upon me.

They say that your life gets better, but when? Tell me when this will get better? I’m sitting here, crying my eyes out, just wondering when this will all be over, and things will be fine. There not fine, they have been fine for ages, I can’t even remember what feeling right felt like. It’s all good giving me tablets, and yes, I won’t deny they do help, but they don’t cure. I thought I was getting better, but Hey! Here we are again, back to square fucking one again.

Why should I take these tablets? My body obviously does not want to work with them. Yeah, I have better days with them, even weeks if I’m lucky, but then comes the moment when I’m on such a high, and suddenly the low is there. Waiting, it’s just waiting for me. It comes back. It always does.

Tell me why? Because I’m honestly losing faith.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

Mountains

Hello Everyone!

We have mountains in our lives, both physically and mentally. With these mountains, we have to climb them to see the beautiful view.

Yesterday I climbed a physical mountain. I had to use all my strength and willpower to get me to the top. It was hard, I had to take breaks, take a few minutes to breathe, but I worked through the pain in my legs, the heart beating in my throat making me struggle to breathe, and the amount of energy it drained from me.

 

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Me & Rhys at the top!

When at the top, I and Rhys were talking. Chatting about life, and how things have changed recently. We have been together for 6 months now, and in that short time, so many things have happened. Not just between us, just in general life.

I got hit by a mountain the other day. A mental mountain. I hit a place that made me want to relapse again. For those of you who don’t know, I Self Harm and have been struggling for a few years now with this. These last few months I have not been able to stop myself, I just give in as I find it’s not worth the fight.  I climbed this mountain and was so close to the top. I had to take breathers and breaks but never slipped up. But that day, giving up seemed easier than making it to the top. I am pleased to say that I got to the top. I’m 2 weeks clean.

We all get hit with these mental mountains, and yes, sometimes we will slip up and fall back down. Sometimes we need to take breaks. But once you get to that goal, to the top, there will be no other feeling like it.

Keep climbing, as the view is worth it.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

Depression

Hello Everyone!

It’s like hanging off a cliff, soon enough your arms get tired, and you just want to give up and let go, because of its easier than hanging on. Only some can pull themselves up, others will let go.And then you got one other. The ones where someone helps pull someone up from a cliff. They pull them to their safety and hold them close.

To me, that is what Depression is. I’m sick of this all. I am an apologetic person as it is, but why am I apologising for feeling like this. I’m the one who is crying themselves to sleep, gasping for air to stay alive. I’m the one on the floor, struggling to breathe because knives are being stabbed into my heart repeatedly. I apologise so many times for being sad, but why? Why should I apologise?

But then who do I blame? I can’t blame anyone because no one is to blame for what I am going through. I can only blame myself for going down this road. I can sorry over 100 times to myself, and still hate myself as much, and more likely even more.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

 

Fighting

Hello Everyone!

‘Just keep fighting, you can do this’ ‘I won’t give up fighting’ ‘Fighting to the last breath’

But I’m tired of fighting. I want to give up. Saying these quotes won’t change my whole mind, the mind that is constantly having a battle with.

I will be truthful, I had given up for a while, and having another break from fighting. Fighting is tiring, you lose energy even if it is just in your head. I lay in my bed, just letting the depression take over me, the suicidal thoughts overflow me, the self-harm control me.

After a big fight, people are out of breath, they are worn out. Having a battle in your head, its exactly the same. I will keep on fighting, but at the moment, I need a time out.

It maybe 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months, but ill gets back to fighting when I can.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~