Addict

I’m an addict. This is a conclusion I have recently come to.My medication I take, I cant come off it anymore, not without bad withdraws, not without major lows, not without the feeling of wanting to be dead.

That’s scary, the fact that I now heavily rely on some tablets to keep me feeling sane. My brother says its the placebo effect that the medication is having on me, that I want them to be helping so they are. I wanted my other tablets to work and they didn’t, so how come the placebo effect didn’t work?

I kind of find it funny, that I thought tablets would solve all my solve all my problems and I would be right as rain. Boy oh boy was I wrong, and far from right as I could possibly be. I think my tablets have now caused more issues than help. Its great I’m not as Depressed anymore, whats not so great is the fact my panic attacks are more intense and I have a constant need to shake my foot/leg all the time. Its great I don’t experience heart in mouth anymore, whats not great is they cause me nose bleeds all the time.

The side effects are the worst sometimes. I take Diazepam to stop the intensity of my panic attacks, but to stop them I experience tiredness, drowsiness, and nausea. O well, that’s just great!

Thing is though, people think that we want to be like this. I started tablets at age 14 if my memory serves me right, and now all I wish is to come off them. I don’t want to be on them anymore. My mum thinks I want to be on these. No mum, I don’t, but I don’t have a choice over this anymore. I have Mental Health difficulties if you like it or not, and unfortunately, I cant get rid of them in a snap of a finger. I wish I could.

I’m an addict, and it’s not a fun life to live.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Blogmas 2017

Look what time of year it is again!! Blogmas is back, and like last year, I’m going to give it my best shot at doing it again!

I’m very grateful to everyone who follows this blog, as I gently never thought anyone would want to read my thoughts or feelings. This year my posts will be a little different. I will still be posting my normal stuff, but every so often there will be a blog post on giving back. I strongly believe that we should help one another, especially;y around the festive season. I know I’m not the only one struggling out there in this world, we all have different problems. I want to let them know there are people out there for them, just like you guys are for me.

So.. I hope you enjoy the following 25 days of blog posts and if you like what you say, I hope you stick around, this little community what we have going on is the best, and we will accept everyone with open arms. Every day at 6.00pm GMT time a post will go up until and including the 25th December. I hope you will join me on this journey I have going!

Love to you all, Chelsea aka MonstersLivingInMyMind X

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!

Thank you to everyone who has liked any of my posts, commented or even followed me. I have reached over 20 followers which honestly makes me so happy!

I don’t do it for the follows nor the likes, but to know that other people like what they read, makes me feel happy. It’s like someone is listening to me, and that is so nice.

Thank you all for everything, and will see you all soon! There will be a post before the end of 2016, I hope you stick around!

Love you all, Chelsea AKA Monsters Living In My Mind 🙂 x

Sick

Hello Everyone!

Im sick, but you can’t see it. Im dying inside, but you can’t see it. It’s in my brain, so it’s not true. How can you be sick if it’s not visible? There are no visible signs that you are sick. Yeah, you have cuts, but they think you are okay. They say we do it for attention because we are desperate attention seeking people. We just want to escape.

Day in day out, we hear people say that Mental health is not real. How do you know it’s not real? Can you see it? Can you prove it? You aren’t me, you don’t know what goes on. How would you know if its real if you don’t have it?

You know my name, but not my story. You hear what I have done, but not what I have been through. If you took a walk in my shoes, you would fall at the first step.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Self-Care

Hello Everyone!

What do you do for Self Care? Do you take a bath, read a book, go for a walk, listen to music? So many ways we can look after ourselves, but yet do we actually do any?

I constantly get asked what I do for ‘me’ time, and I say something along the lines of ‘I lay in bed, with a hot chocolate watching a movie’ which is about average. But that does not feel like self-care, as that is just ingrained into my daily routine. I don’t look after myself when doing this, I do it every day.

I can’t self-care myself if I have self-harmed because I have done badly. If I stay clean for a certain amount of days, yeah I buy a chocolate bar, but what happens if I relapse? Do I still buy myself that treat, because I tried, or do I leave it because I did a bad thing?

Tonight, I will have a bath, to celebrate moving out of my bed to go to the Dr’s surgery. Something small to you, but massive for me.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Anxiety & Depression

Hello Everyone!

I never chose to have Anxiety, nor did I with Depression, but I somehow landed with it on my plate. Anxiety doesn’t have times where it comes, it can be at any time or any place, and I can’t stop it from taking over. I don’t choose when or how it hits me.

Smile, smile, smile, its what I do best. A smile can hide a million emotions. Throughout the time I have mastered the perfect smile to make it seem like my life is fine, and that everything is all okay when in fact everything is falling apart in front of my eyes.

They all say relax, but I can’t. Take a bath, but then I’m left with my own thoughts. Read a book, but that’s too quiet for me. Listen to music, but then that’s too loud. Nothing can save me when I am with my own thoughts.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Review

Hello Everyone!

So Facebook has launched the Year In Review, and I was reading an article on this, and it got me thinking. Yes, it might show my year, but it doesn’t show the truth.

It shows the time we went to Brighton, the time I went to Dublin, My 18th Birthday pictures, and all the great times I have shared with people. It doesn’t show the fight I have had, the depression that has taken over me, the nights were I cried myself to sleep, the binging, the vomiting and all the rest.

The pain that college is putting me through, being told I can’t see a person who has helped me through the bad times, the thoughts of overdosing, the thoughts of dying, the pain of the scars. No one sees that on Facebook, and do you know why? Because we don’t show that part of our lives.

No one wants to see the times where I’m struggling, the times when I’m relapsing, the times where I’m dying inside. They post things on Facebook like ‘If you need me, you can talk to me’ but we all know how much bullshit that is. I could message you, and you would just say it gets better.

Facebook in the review, showing only 10% of my life.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Lazy

Hello Everyone!

I’m not lazy, I am far from it. Fighting a battle in my head every single day of my life, that would make anyone tired.

They say you become immune to tiredness, but in my case, this is not true. I may have done 0% exercise, and just been in my bed, but while laying in bed, my brain is finding 101 ways to kill myself.

The depression is taking over, that happiness in my brain is being overshadowed by a thundercloud.

The Anxiety is telling me that I should not be lazing around doing nothing, but then it’s telling my feet not to move, as something might be out there that will harm me.

I’m not lazy, I swear to you, I’m tired of fighting this battle in my head, and I need your help to stop it.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Wish Upon A Star

Hello Everyone!

A while back, I wrote a post called ’11:11′, where every day at 11:11 I make a wish. But I make wishes other ways as well.

Wishing upon a star. My nan used to sing a little rhyme when I was younger, ‘Little star, how bright you shine, can you hear this wish of mine’ We would point to a star each, and then hold hands and close our eyes and make our wish. When we finished our wish, we would squeeze each other’s hands, to indicate that we were done.

I used to make many different wishes, some were normal, others were bonkers.

6 years she has been gone now, so I have changed it slightly now. I find the brightest star in the sky, and I believe it’s her. I make a wish upon her, in hopes, she is listening.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

 

Train Thoughts

Hello Everyone!

I am writing this post while on a train, and am needing a distraction!

The date is Sunday 18th December and the time is 14.20. I’m sitting on my own, 3 seats all to myself, I should be grateful for this, but I am in need of company.

I spent the weekend with Rhys, and not having to hug, to talk, or have interaction with anyone is weird. My carriage is almost empty, only a few people on here. 

The sound of a screaming child is quite nice right now, it stops my brain from overworking. Leaving Rhys is always hard, but this time it was espically hard, as it’s Christmas and I won’t see him till after now. It’s the low after the high, and I can tell you I am feeling this low very hard!!

Time to get some sleep, before my train arrives in. 

~Monsters Living In My Mind~