Nothing hurts you more than when you’re trying your best and you still come out not being good enough. That sinking feeling, your eyes filling with tears, the sound of your voice breaking. It all hurts you, each feeling like a stab in your heart and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I think this is the feeling that is hurting me the most. I want to be the perfect person, one who is flawless, one who doesn’t fuck up every time she touches something, I just want people to realise that I am trying. I’m trying so god damn hard to make something of myself.
I want to be the daughter my parents wished for, a friend that isn’t broken inside, a sister that would make my brother proud. I want to show people that is not just my Mental Health, and not be defined by them. How can I do that though? How can I show people that I’m more than my labels when they are the ones that are dominating my life. Everything I do is defined by my illnesses.
From that shaking of my foot, the tapping to try and calm my heart down, avoiding all eye contact to people to not let them see into my life. I want to be good enough, I want people to love me for who I am. This post is a bit everywhere, I’m aware of that. Not much of this probably makes sense, but how can you make sense of my thoughts when even you cant make sense of what you’re thinking?
My mind is going 100mph right now, and I cant slow it down. All them self-help apps keep saying to talk to professionals. How are they going to make sense of what is going on when I can’t even pinpoint what is making me feel like this? They cant help me when I don’t even know what is going wrong in my life. All I do know is that I’m struggling, and I just want to be the person everyone thinks I can be.
I’m not good enough for anyone, and that feeling is hurting me the most.