They sting, and if you know what I’m on about, then I am so sorry. The pain gets less and the numbness takes over. No longer can I feel the pain, I’m just left with the aftermath of an awful decision. If you haven’t guessed by now, yes, this is about self-harm.
**DISCLAIMER – There will be mentioning of self-harm stories, blood, blades and so on. Please do not read on if this causes you too much distress. All things said in this post are from my viewpoint**
Recently, a blade has become my best friend again. This time though, they want to make sure their presence is known by leaving marks worse than ever and causing me pain like no other. The cuts are becoming deeper and deeper now, and I don’t know how to stop. All these coping mechanisms that I have developed throughout the years just won’t work anymore. I have tried everything to stop myself. I was told to wrap the blade in layers of sellotape so it makes it harder to get access to it.. that just made me more determined to get to it. Draw on me with red ink. I dug the pen that hard into me that I broke the skin. I was once told by sticking my face in the freezer would help, all I got out of that was a very cold head.
As I’m writing this, my legs are bandaged and I can not move them without being in intense pain. I’m lying here, dead still to avoid causing any more damage to myself. At the moment, there is nothing more than I want is for me to bleed out, to make me hurt. After though, when all that tension is out, I regret it. I feel mad at myself because I know I fucked up again, and that I’ve damaged myself so much that I’m just coming to accept it.
All these cuts and scars are visual proof that my demands won again. They take over my brain, control everything I do, make me want to hurt myself. Its a feeling that I can’t explain, as it takes over me, but it seems like I still want to do it. I want to cut myself to try and kill the monster that is inside of me. I don’t fight with him, I comply with his wishes because I hope and pray that it will make him go away.
I’ve got bloodstained bandages, raw red legs, and a monster wanting me to die. He’s winning at the moment.