Louder and louder. Kill Yourself they say. There’s nothing left in this world for you so just die already they scream. Make them cuts deeper, the more pain the better they whisper as they seep into my brain and destroy every thought I ever have.
Recently, there have been voices in my head. I’ve had them for a while, but more recently they have been getting louder and louder. They used to be things that I could deal with, keep on going with my normal daily routine. This past month though, they are loud, and I cant shut them up anymore.
I was sat in a lesson, and out of nowhere I started to feel anxious and that made the voices speak a little louder. I put on my headphones to try and drown them out. I turned them up louder and louder till it as at max volume. Yet the voices overpowered them. KILL YOURSELF YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. SELF HARM AGAIN, BITCH. It scared me, as I havent expereinced anything like this before, and at that point, I wanted to die right there and then.
From walking out the room and going up one flight of stairs to get to my tutor, I figured out a solid 10 ways I could take my life right there and then. I know they are not real (as many people keep pointing out to me), but it feels real to me. Sitting there, with these voices screaming at me, I don’t know what else I can do! I wake up and there they are, greeting me. Same applies when I go to sleep, they send me off to sleep with messages filled with self-hate.
I just don’t know what to do anymore with myself, as I’m clearly not coping too well. I want help, I really do, but I don’t want people to think I’m crazy by what I’m saying. Yeah, I know what you’re probably thinking Chelsea, your writing this and sharing it with the whole world. I am well aware of this, but somehow thats not as scary. Be that because I’m not facing them, or not speaking it face to face, but I needed to get this out.
I just want to curl up in a ball right now and cry.