I’ve always been a black sheep in the crowd. I have never been able to fit in. I always realised I was different, from day one. I never dreamed of having a boyfriend, being elegant and ladylike, nor fitting into what society says is acceptable. I have always wanted to be unique, that’s till now. I don’t want to be the black sheep anymore, I want to fit in with the rest.
I was never the average girl that everyone always imagines. Yes, I liked dresses but then I loved getting them dirty. I liked playing with dolls, but then I loved going outside and playing games in both sun and rain. Being dressed in princess costumes was something I loved, but then nothing beats a good pair of jeans and a hoodie to me. I prefer boys to girls, as I never wanted to play all posh and dainty, I wanted to play rough like football. Things like that always told me I was never a normal person from the offset.
I don’t want to be unique anymore. I don’t want to be quirky, outgoing, or bold anymore. I just want to fit in with everyone, and not be different to them. Ever since I got diagnosed with my first Mental Health problem, people have always treated me different. They treat me with kid gloves like I’m China and anything they say to me might crack me. I want to be treated like everyone else now, not like in the most fragile thing in the world.
I make jokes about my life, practically insult myself daily, but no one understands them. One day I said I had a headache and needed 20 paracetamols to clear it, and everyone went all suicide watch on me. Silly things to me, and maybe that is just to me. What I find unfair though is; if someone else said that exact same comment, nothing would have happened. Nothing at all. Everyone would have laughed it off and took it as the joke it was intended to be. So how come the minute that someone has mental health, we pander to them?
I’m not saying that what I said is right, and yes they are doing it to protect me, but it just feels so shit when you know you are now being singled out. I’m now being put in the spotlight that I have wanted to be in all my life, and I hate it as it’s for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to be there to show all my greatest achievements, to show me in the best light, not to dangle me in front of a crowd and make, what seems like, a pit of fire.
I just want to fit in now. I don’t want to be the ugly duckling anymore.