I have been dropped from my local Mental Health team as I am no longer deemed as high risk. Normal people would happy over this; I’m shitting myself on how I’m going to live my life and stay alive.
My first thought when I got discharged was What is the easiest way to kill myself? Right there and then, I did not want to live because I was, and still am, so scared of living my life without a safety blanket there. I have nothing to fall back on now, and admittedly I did not use the service all too much. However, I knew they were there if I needed them, I knew I had a CPN to help guide me if I needed it. Now I don’t, and yes I have other support but none of them specialises in Mental Health, and all of them would just section me if I told them my thoughts when being dropped.
I was in a safe place with my team, a place that I was as happy as I was going to be in with them, but I fucked it up. I can say I done this because she turned to me and said Well, psychology deem that you no longer are at immediate risk to yourself as you presented yourself in a calm and well thought out manner. That day, I remember it like it was yesterday. 1 hour before that appointment I relapsed to self-harm and threw up due to the sheer amount of Anxiety I was experiencing. I walked in there, thinking that if I don’t act like an idiot and act in a dignified manner then maybe I will get the help I deserve. Well that backfired didnt?
I have three other people who know most of my life story. 2 are youth workers, and the other is my deputy’s head. 1 of the youth workers is now in America, the other just got a promotion and I don’t want to disturb her. My deputy is great, and she supports me so damn much I could never thank her enough, but I have always been told not to rely on one person. I’ve done that before, and it went terribly wrong.
I’ll be fine, I know I will be. But its hard right now, to find strength from nowhere.