I find this subject very hard to talk about, as its one that is not talked widely about. But here I am, going to bare all. I find it hard to be in a committing relationship with intimacy. I can’t stand the idea of someone seeing me completely naked, and it utterly terrifies me of even the thought of this.
I had to go to the doctors the other day, as I had a suspected UTI (easily treatable), but when she turned to me and asked to see my area, I had to make the excuse I was on my period. Which many people would just say is normal, and I can agree but then it was not because I didn’t want her to see that, I did not want her to see the cuts and scars that surround it.
Going back to when I and my boyfriend were together, I could never let him see me fully naked. I couldn’t stand the thought that my then boyfriend would see these. It was like I thought he would finally see me in the way I see myself. A depressed, emotionally unstable, and ugly person. To always avoid intimate moments, I would just change the subject, to just avoid that whole situation. I distinctly remember when we were in the moment when I went into full blown panic attack style. It hurt me that I couldn’t be intimate with him for ages, as he gave me the world and I could never give him what he wanted.
I’m probably the only one who feels this way, but the scars that fill my body are something that I want to keep close to me, protect them. Its how I protect myself from getting more hurt. If others cant see them, then they won’t ever know the true depth of me. Until someone sees every scar on my body, that’s when they know the whole me. And that’s him. He knows the real me, and I got scared. I pushed him away, as I always thought who could love someone like me?
Intimacy is hard for me but all I want is to be loved.