Scared

I’m scared of who I’m becoming because I am no longer me. I’m tired of fighting something that is constantly trying to kill me, and I’m scared to keep fighting it as it seems to only get worse when I do. But staying the same is just as scary, as I don’t want to stay this way forever.

I fight these illnesses day in, day out and nothing seems to change. I still find myself crying to sleep every night, throwing up out of pure fear to go into college, having panic attacks before I go to work and knowing at the end of this all, I still have to put a smile on my face and pretend nothing is happening. But none of this is me, I’m becoming something that I’m not as I cant control what I am anymore.

The thing is though, I’m scared to show people who I really am. I paint smiles on my face every day, dress up pretty to try and cover the insecurities, and laugh my ways through the days because it saves me from crying. The real me just wants someone to go to and find comfort in them and doesn’t mind me crying. I’m blessed to have one of them in my life as I know they are rare people to come across.

I’m scared to let my guard down, as I don’t want to be hurt the ways I have before. I tried letting it down again recently, and I found that I got in more shit than it was worth so it went right back up. I faced one of my biggest fears, trying to be open and honest with people around me but I found that the truth was too much for some. But I don’t want to blame them, as I know I’m not straightforward and I have a lot of things wrong with me, and its hard to love someone who is like me.

I can’t lie, I’m scared for my future and how I will end up.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

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