Today I had a panic attack, one of the worst one I have had in a solid year. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t stop crying, and I threw up. That’s how nervous I can get and build things up in my head. But do you know what hurts the most? When your friends stand there, 2 meters away from you, and don’t do anything. That hurts.
I like to say I’m always there for people when they need me, just the other day I had a young person open up and tell me part of there life story. I want to say I’m approachable. I want to say, I’m, a nice person. But today I needed to focus on me and trying to get through this exam with trying my best.
So my friend was having a hard time today, getting teary over the exam. The ONE day I physically can’t help her, and everyone turns there back on me. Am I a bad person for doing this? I like to say I’m always there to help her, for crying out loud I basically gave her a counselling session on Monday to help her, but when I’m literally suffering from something so bad, she couldn’t just hug me? Tell me it will be alright?
Please tell me if I’m out of line saying all this but it hurts when all you do is help people, people who I genuinely thought were my friends, and they turn around and say ‘Wheres Chelsea?’ ‘Oh, I think she is out smoking, she’s starting to go into a panic attack’ ‘Another one?’ Thanks, guys, really appreciate the support there.
Its like people think its a choice that I do this. It’s a fucking disorder, not a decision. I don’t decide that I want my heart to implode inside me, and the throw up through pure fear. I don’t decide any of this, and funnily enough, today was a big day for me. Yes, it was for them too, but for someone who has got, let’s be honest, pretty shocking Mental Health, I had something to prove to myself.
And guess what guys. I did it on my fucking own. Yep, I don’t need people, or as they will refer themselves to as ‘friends’, who just watch as someone is having a panic attack. I will do it on my own. Because at least I know that although no matter how hard it gets for me, I saved myself in one of the hardest experiences I have dealt with in a while, on my own. I didn’t need to know one, and I certainly don’t need them.
Guess you find out who your real friends are when it comes to these things, eh?