In honour of this week being National Eating Disorder Week, I decided that I would share my experiences and thoughts with you.
The thing that I get most annoyed about is when someone says the words ‘Just eat’. Yep, that’s it, it cured. Wow look at me eat all this food, them words have changed me, and if you can’t sense my sarcasm then maybe you shouldn’t read this post. If I could just eat, it would be perfect, but I can’t. My brain is physically telling me not. My heart says yes, but my head says no, and my brain is much more powerful over this sort of thing than my heart will ever be.
I have been officially diagnosed with Bulimia & Binge Eating. I also fast and self-induce. This is what I live with, day in, day out. Just because I might be a healthy weight, does not mean I can’t have this. I am 51kg, with a healthy BMI. But I don’t see this as perfect, I wish I could be skinnier, and feel more confident. I make myself throw up because of I’m so scared of putting on weight, that thought literally terrifies me.
Recovery is not just putting on weight, it’s trying to change your perspective on food. When you grow to hate food that much, the thought of doing anything involving it makes me feel horrible. I don’t like going out for meals, food shopping is a nightmare, and trying to eat around others is like hell. I have to change my brain, and that hard, and it will take time.
Happy #NEDAwareness Week
~Monsters Living In My Mind~