I see many people to get help for my Mental Health. I see regularly a GP, Nurse, CPN, 3x Dietitians, Emotional Support Worker, Counsellor and a Psychiatrist. Best thing is, this does not include those who I see on one off appointments!
I know they want the best thing for me, but that requires me talking to them. I can talk all day until the cows come home about everything and anything, but not myself. I can’t do that at all. You don’t know how many times I have heard the words ‘If you can’t tell us, then we can’t help you.’
Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I want to speak to you? Do you think I have come this far to just blank you? I want to speak to you, but I don’t trust you. When I meet you, I need to build something, find something in you that allows me to trust you. We got to build something before I tell you everything. Out of all them people, I trust 3 of them fully, to the extent that I can trust them with anything and everything.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t. Its like there is a brick wall staring me right in the face. I don’t want to be like this, I want your help, you know how to fix me, but then part of me is scared to fix me. I don’t know if I want to be fixed. And that’s not me saying I want to live like this forever, this is me saying that recovery is **Excuse my language** fucking scary. What happens if I say too much? Will you send me away? What if I don say the right things? Will I not get help? I don’t know what is going to happen and I’m going insane by that.
I want to speak to you, but I cant, I just cant.
~Monsters Living In My Mind~