We all have memories, some are good, others are bad. No matter what we try or do, some memories can not be twisted or changed. Sometimes this is a good thing, other times it can be bad.
A memory can be a way of holding onto something you love, something which defines you, and something that you never want to lose. Others can be of something you hate, but yet it still defines you, and despite this, you don’t want to lose this as it helps keep you on track.
I have both good and bad memories like we all do. I have memories of sitting with my beloved Nan, watching Mamma Mia and singing out of tune, and it never fails to bring a little smile to my face. But how come such a happy memory can make me feel so alone, and end up crying? Because the best memories that we have can sometimes be the most painful. My Nan passed away 7 years ago in June, and I miss her every day. A happy memory of her, but it brings the pain.
Bad memories are still here, though, like the time I got diagnosed with Depression, or the time I got refused from CAMHS as it was to in my head. I can’t forget these times. There is such a big cliche that everyone says and it’s true. They say that you can see it coming, but yet you refuse to believe it, and when you finally find the truth, everything stops. Your world just freezes. You saw it coming for so long but refused to believe this.
The worst thing, I still refuse to believe that I have Depression. I want to believe that this is just a phase and that it will all soon be over. I have believed that for around 2 years now, and I am so scared to accept it, as what happens to me? Will I let it get the best of me more? I want to think its down days or a down week, but sooner or later, I won’t be able to deny it anymore.
My memory is my best and worst friend.
~Monsters Living In My Mind~