I have been through systems after systems, people after people, services after services, yet I’m not getting better, worse in fact.
The phrase ‘Help you help yourself’ is such a cliche phrase, but yet is still used so much. It’s true, though. You can have all the help in the world, but it won’t helps if you don’t help yourself. I was filling out a questionnaire the other day, and it was saying how much do you want to change your ways. 0-10, and I put 10. Then the next question got to me, it just said ‘Are you willing to let people help’. The Same scale again, 0-10. 2 I put.
That’s not because I don’t want to get better, its because I have to let another person come into my life, another person see what it’s like in my brain. There is only so many times I can open up before a crack, and want to curl up on my own. The worst thing is, I can open up to people who are understanding, who have gone through simular, or have a knowledge of this. I cant open up to a counsellor, a psychotherapist, no one like that.
When describing my life to them, I feel like I’m defending my honour of being sad. I have to defend myself all the time. They will say why do I feel sad? How the hell do I know? They say that Anxiety is in my head. Well fucking done, want a gold star?
Take me back 3 to 4 years ago, I looked at people and thought why would you want to harm yourself intentionally. The idea was ludicrous to me, that you would want to hurt yourself. Now, though, I self-harm daily. The worst thing, I cant name to you why I do it. I don’t do it for attention, I don’t do it because of its cool. I do it because of its a form of realising for me. Something for me to breath from. Who would have guessed that something painful could bring me to life?
~Monsters Living In My Mind~