I have relapsed. Something I wish I had never would do again. 7 months clean I done, I was doing so well, and last night I slipped up, everything went down hill, the pain that was in my chest, the overwhelming feelings I was sensing, and I done it, I gave into it, I gave into my Self Harm monster.
I look at the open wound I have left today, just staring at it, wishing I could go back to last night, and make myself stop, just do something with my hands to stop myself relapsing. I look at the scars I have already left, and this one will join the family, he will be the new baby.
Each of my scars holds a story, ones which are deep, and hurt everytime I think about them. Some days, I feel fine about them, and then other days they are my secret, no one will see them, it is something that I feel embarrassed about, because in that moment, I am not think in my right frame of mind, I am no longer me.
Everyone says self harm is because you are attention seeking. Yes you are correct I am, because I can’t say that I need help, I need help, desperately, but you wont give me a second thought, as to you I just die for attention. You don’t understand how much someone must feel inside, be that emptiness or pain, that they want to self harm themselves to see the pain in real life, to stop it all happening on the inside.
I hope one day, the pain I feel on the inside, I wont have to express on the outside.
~ Monsters Living In My Mind ~