Have you ever felt lost? As your standing in the middle of a forest, trees all around you and you don’t know which path to take. Every path you take brings you back to the centre of where you started. Slowly you begin giving up trying to find the right path, as you have tried every way you can think of. That’s me right now. I’m standing in this forest and I’ve tried all these paths to get better but nothing seems to be working anymore.
Feeling lost is a weird one. Like right now, I’m laying in my bed, plumped up by a few pillows with a scarf around me to help with the anxiety I’m feeling. I know I’m at home, I know what town I’m in, but somehow I still feel lost. I don’t feel like I belong here. Not because I am not loved, because this isn’t where I’m meant to be. I shouldn’t be laying in bed crying, I should be out loving life. It’s hard when all you have is a voice in your head hating on you every second, of every day, of every week, of every month. I want to go out, find which path I should be taking in this chapter of my life but I cant.
I have tried many paths. I have tried so many different methods to help my mental health yet none of them has seemed to get me anywhere in particular. Some have helped me move to another part of this forest maze I’m stuck in, but nothing has actually helped me escape. Counselling, CBT, group therapy, being assigned a community psychiatric nurse… you would think that this would have made a huge improvement and to an extent, it has helped me and I’m forever grateful for getting this help. None of it got me out though, and that’s all that I keep longing for.
I always get told that to get better you have to help yourself and yeah, I probably have made some stupid decisions that haven’t helped me move forward, but it’s not like I’m not trying. Everything anyone has ever set me I have always done, I’ve read self-help books galore, tried worksheets to figure my patterns and thoughts, different therapies, absolutely everything. Yet, I’m still sitting here trying to fight away this voice in my head. I’ve got told that its because I’m stressed that I hear him. Stress doesn’t want to hurt you like this voice does to me. I’ve been told to just ignore him, pretend he’s not there, but you can’t ignore something that is part of your daily life.
I can say with certainty that my journey has been a long one, and my paths feel like they are leading to nowhere. I know it’s not true, as I’m studying in Health and Social and going to University in September to study how to become a youth worker. I know its leading somewhere physically, but mentally I feel like I’m going to be trapped. This forest feels like it is ever growing, and that I will never find my way out.
I can only dream what the view will be like at the edge of this forest, and I hope one day I can see it.