This is something that my tutor said to me a few months ago and it really stuck with me. Ever since opening up about the voice in my head, I’ve received a lot of advice (most of which hasn’t been helpful whatsoever!) about how to deal with it. It’s hard to describe something that is not there, so I made a full body and gave a name to this voice. It helped to bring him to life and that Im not just fighting something invisible anymore. However, this did come with its downfalls as do most of my plans.
Although it is real, it actually means that it is real which probably doesn’t make sense. I’ve always been in a constant part of denial, refusing to believe certain things as then in my mind it means I don’t have to deal with them. It made it harder than people in my mental health didn’t believe me and constantly put it down to stress. You know, stress totally makes me want to kill myself 24/7 and suffocate in your own thoughts. Some professionals argued it was Psychosis, others said it was BPD and others kept it to stress. I still don’t have a clear answer on what is actually wrong in this aspect.
I was at college one day when the voice was in full swing and I was in a very big meltdown. My tutor found me, got me off the bathroom floor, and got me in her office (only took like 20 minutes to do what would normally be a 10-second walk). She said that this voice is not displaying any facts to me, that they are all just thoughts. I didn’t believe her to begin with as I couldn’t see that the voice was taking over me. She got me to tell her some of the things he was saying to me like ‘No one loves you’, ‘Your better off dead’ and so on. We wrote them all down and then ticked which ones were facts, to which not one of them was.
It made me realise that even in the moment of intense feelings, that everything my voice is telling me is all just thoughts, that these are not facts and therefore should not get my attention. Instead, I should acknowledge these and let them go. Yes, I understand that is easier said than done but I keep putting in my work when it comes around as I know that this is not real. From then on, we use this phrase a lot. Thoughts are not facts, and therefore do not need to take over my body. Its something that I can’t forget.