Intimacy

I find this subject very hard to talk about, as its one that is not talked widely about. But here I am, going to bare all. I find it hard to be in a committing relationship with intimacy. I can’t stand the idea of someone seeing me completely naked, and it utterly terrifies me of even the thought of this.

I had to go to the doctors the other day, as I had a suspected UTI (easily treatable), but when she turned to me and asked to see my area, I had to make the excuse I was on my period. Which many people would just say is normal, and I can agree but then it was not because I didn’t want her to see that, I did not want her to see the cuts and scars that surround it.

Going back to when I and my boyfriend were together, I could never let him see me fully naked. I couldn’t stand the thought that my then boyfriend would see these. It was like I thought he would finally see me in the way I see myself. A depressed, emotionally unstable, and ugly person. To always avoid intimate moments, I would just change the subject, to just avoid that whole situation. I distinctly remember when we were in the moment when I went into full blown panic attack style. It hurt me that I couldn’t be intimate with him for ages, as he gave me the world and I could never give him what he wanted.

I’m probably the only one who feels this way, but the scars that fill my body are something that I want to keep close to me, protect them. Its how I protect myself from getting more hurt. If others cant see them, then they won’t ever know the true depth of me. Until someone sees every scar on my body, that’s when they know the whole me. And that’s him. He knows the real me, and I got scared. I pushed him away, as I always thought who could love someone like me?

Intimacy is hard for me but all I want is to be loved.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Bad Friend

I’m not a bad friend. That’s what I keep saying to myself. That I’m a good human, who is only doing things out of love. But now I have come to a new conclusion. I am a bad friend. And not because I want to be, because of the Mental Health that has taken over me.

That’s not an excuse either, I’m being genuine. Before all this happened, I only had good intentions for people and would never want to hurt them. Now though? I still want to do that, but I can’t because I have an overwhelming feeling taking over me. Consuming my body day by day, eating away at me, making me doubt every move I ever make.

It tells me to push people away, to not let anyone in. It tells me to doubt myself in every situation I am ever presented with. It takes over my mind and makes me think things that before I would never believe in. It tells me I’m better off dead, that no one will miss me, that life is just pointless and no one cares about me. It tells me to treat people in a bad way because then they can feel what I feel. So they can walk in my shoes for just a minute. A second.

I used to have a life full of friends, now I’m lucky that I have one. She does everything for me, and even when I push her away she stands her ground and makes it known that she is not leaving. That is the sort of person I need, someone who knows that when shit gets tough, that I will insult her, hurt her, and possibly make her life hell.. but all in the knowledge that she is the last person I would ever want to hurt and without her I would be 6ft under by now.

And people will think this is an excuse. It’s fine if you d. But I do want to tell you; I wish I could blame myself. If I blame myself, I can fix the problem. I cant fix this problem.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Scared

I’m scared of who I’m becoming because I am no longer me. I’m tired of fighting something that is constantly trying to kill me, and I’m scared to keep fighting it as it seems to only get worse when I do. But staying the same is just as scary, as I don’t want to stay this way forever.

I fight these illnesses day in, day out and nothing seems to change. I still find myself crying to sleep every night, throwing up out of pure fear to go into college, having panic attacks before I go to work and knowing at the end of this all, I still have to put a smile on my face and pretend nothing is happening. But none of this is me, I’m becoming something that I’m not as I cant control what I am anymore.

The thing is though, I’m scared to show people who I really am. I paint smiles on my face every day, dress up pretty to try and cover the insecurities, and laugh my ways through the days because it saves me from crying. The real me just wants someone to go to and find comfort in them and doesn’t mind me crying. I’m blessed to have one of them in my life as I know they are rare people to come across.

I’m scared to let my guard down, as I don’t want to be hurt the ways I have before. I tried letting it down again recently, and I found that I got in more shit than it was worth so it went right back up. I faced one of my biggest fears, trying to be open and honest with people around me but I found that the truth was too much for some. But I don’t want to blame them, as I know I’m not straightforward and I have a lot of things wrong with me, and its hard to love someone who is like me.

I can’t lie, I’m scared for my future and how I will end up.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Fighting

We live in a society that believes if you have a Mental Illness that it looks beautiful. The amount of comments I get saying ‘You rock your Mental Illnesses’ or ‘You make ill look beautiful’ is staggering. I’m here to tell you something though, being Mentally Ill is not something to make look beautiful.

We live in a society that believes that Self Harming and the scars left is something beautiful. My scars are not beautiful though, far from it. They are times that I have been at war with myself and I lost that fight. Having an Anxiety attack is not cutely vulnerable, Eating Disorders are not something to be glamorised, Depression is not someone crying like they do in movies.

I want to make it clear though that its okay if you are suffering right now because I am too. It doesn’t make you weak nor pathetic than anyone else. Despite this though, suffering is not beautiful nor is it glamorous. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy to go through. You know why? Because it’s living in hell.

I have to fight to live every day. I went to sleep last night crying my eyes out, to then wake up this morning feeling lifeless. This week at college, I was falling asleep in lessons, throwing up in the toilets, and Self Harming at any point I felt stressed. Its come to the point that I’m now starting to lose my temper at people, yelling at them and punching walls.

Tell me whats beautiful about all this though? Please, I beg you to tell me why my Mental Health is getting glamorised to be something so poetic by society.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

 

Sorry

I want to send out a public apologie as I hurt some peoples feelings, which I never intentionally meant to do. I would never mean to hurt or offend anyone with any intention, and if I did that would be pretty shitty of me.

I post about my life on here quite a lot, as this is the main outlet of emotions for me, and a way in which I think is a good way to manage them in a more controlled way. The things I write on here are my pure feelings, of what I feel in that moment and time. They may come across blunt, and maybe a little inconsiderate to others but unfortunately, this is the way I felt in these certain situations.

I can come across pretty aggressive sometimes, and say things that are not necessarily thought through, but what people need to understand about this blog is that these are the raw emotions I feel. And yes, it may hurt to see what I feel written down for all to see and find, but this mini platform of mine is something that makes me feel safe. When I write, it comes from my heart, how I truly feel over situations, and by getting it out in the open is a way that I cope.

Let’s also be a little honest, this blog stops me from doing a lot of stupid things such as Self-Harming or letting them Suicidal thoughts get louder. So maybe the reason I come across the way I do is that I’m trying to let out anger, trying to gain the loss of control over situations, or just trying to make sense of situations. By writing these out, it can really help me to understand different points of view, as I am well aware that I can sometimes only see my point, and don’t take others into consideration whereas when I write it out I can see how others feelings and their lives might have affected this.

So I just wanted to apologise, and those people out there know who they are, as I never meant to hurt you this way.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Walk Away

I hope you never have to experience what I have in my life. I hope that you understand why I did the things I have. Most of all though, I hope you know I never done any of this to hurt you.

29th August 2017. I told you I had to cancel because of an emergency shift at work when the truth was that I had been planning to end my own life that night. 13th January 2018. You messaged me out the blue saying that you want us to be friends again, but I have to commit to the friendship. You said you knew I was lying, I want to call it that I was trying to shield you from the truth

Commitment is not a strong point of mine, and it makes it harder to commit when you have illnesses holding you back. I said I deal with Suicide Idealisation and you said ‘idk if  I can deal with someone I’m close to dying again’ We both lost Tom back in May 2017, and I can’t get mad at you for saying that. I just feel that you should know that Depression is a killer, and someone who is suffering from it will push people away. I need people who will fight back for me and want to be there.

I understand that this is hard for you to lose someone to Suicide so I can see why you may find this situation hard. You said ‘Im just trying to figure out if I can do this’ which gives me the feeling that you cant deal with this. That you cant deal with me and let’s be honest here, I don’t just have a straightforward problem, I have a roundabout load of problems. Maybe this is me being blunt, or maybe it’s me being honest, but having people in my life is one of the most important things to me, but if you cant deal with who I am then maybe you shouldn’t be apart of my life. Which I know would make me a very lonely person, but I rather am someone with little to no friends then someone with lots of friends who cant deal with me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you can leave and I won’t make you feel guilty for it. I understand, I’m kind of a lost cause trying to figure out the world and I know I’m a lot to deal with, and I take up a hell of a lot of time, time which you don’t have. Just know one thing..

I’m going to miss you Kate, more than you will ever know.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Understanding

Today I had a panic attack, one of the worst one I have had in a solid year. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t stop crying, and I threw up. That’s how nervous I can get and build things up in my head. But do you know what hurts the most? When your friends stand there, 2 meters away from you, and don’t do anything. That hurts.

I like to say I’m always there for people when they need me, just the other day I had a young person open up and tell me part of there life story. I want to say I’m approachable. I want to say, I’m, a nice person. But today I needed to focus on me and trying to get through this exam with trying my best.

So my friend was having a hard time today, getting teary over the exam. The ONE day I physically can’t help her, and everyone turns there back on me. Am I a bad person for doing this? I like to say I’m always there to help her, for crying out loud I basically gave her a counselling session on Monday to help her, but when I’m literally suffering from something so bad, she couldn’t just hug me? Tell me it will be alright?

Please tell me if I’m out of line saying all this but it hurts when all you do is help people, people who I genuinely thought were my friends, and they turn around and say ‘Wheres Chelsea?’ ‘Oh, I think she is out smoking, she’s starting to go into a panic attack’ ‘Another one?’ Thanks, guys, really appreciate the support there.

Its like people think its a choice that I do this. It’s a fucking disorder, not a decision. I don’t decide that I want my heart to implode inside me, and the throw up through pure fear. I don’t decide any of this, and funnily enough, today was a big day for me. Yes, it was for them too, but for someone who has got, let’s be honest, pretty shocking Mental Health, I had something to prove to myself.

And guess what guys. I did it on my fucking own. Yep, I don’t need people, or as they will refer themselves to as ‘friends’, who just watch as someone is having a panic attack. I will do it on my own. Because at least I know that although no matter how hard it gets for me, I saved myself in one of the hardest experiences I have dealt with in a while, on my own. I didn’t need to know one, and I certainly don’t need them.

Guess you find out who your real friends are when it comes to these things, eh?

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Fucked

Well was that not a good Blogmas?!

Yeah… I’m sorry. College went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. Family went a little, how do I put this politely, fucked. You catching my drift? Life became a little fucked.

In one month I discovered that my Mum cannot cope too well with my Mental Disorders, my friends aren’t true friends, that you cant make jokes like every other human does, and the world can be a pretty fucked up place. Oh and how much I can cry and have mental breakdowns in a day is improving, almost every 2 hours is about the record I think.

In simple terms- A) My mum saw some of my Self Harm cuts and freaked out and won’t speak about anything like this anymore. B) My friends think that by talking to my deputy’s head about me, instead of talking to me about me, is a better way to solve solutions. Also, I can no longer speak to them about my personal health as it puts to much strain on them, but they can talk to me all the time about their problems. C) **Links to B** apparently by saying phrases such as ‘I need like 20 paracetamol, my head is killing me’ is now considered a suicide phrase. Along with ‘My mum is going to kill me for failing that test’, ‘This work is killing me slowly’ and my favourite ‘If I jump from this window, do you think I have to do the test?’ D) This world apparently can’t deal with people having bad Mental Health, and therefore ignore everything to do with it. E) I’m probably crying too much.

So yeah, that’s a nice little update for you all. What a happy, festive post for you all to read. I’m sorry, just a lot going on and not having much support around me is kind of showing right now.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Addict

I’m an addict. This is a conclusion I have recently come to.My medication I take, I cant come off it anymore, not without bad withdraws, not without major lows, not without the feeling of wanting to be dead.

That’s scary, the fact that I now heavily rely on some tablets to keep me feeling sane. My brother says its the placebo effect that the medication is having on me, that I want them to be helping so they are. I wanted my other tablets to work and they didn’t, so how come the placebo effect didn’t work?

I kind of find it funny, that I thought tablets would solve all my solve all my problems and I would be right as rain. Boy oh boy was I wrong, and far from right as I could possibly be. I think my tablets have now caused more issues than help. Its great I’m not as Depressed anymore, whats not so great is the fact my panic attacks are more intense and I have a constant need to shake my foot/leg all the time. Its great I don’t experience heart in mouth anymore, whats not great is they cause me nose bleeds all the time.

The side effects are the worst sometimes. I take Diazepam to stop the intensity of my panic attacks, but to stop them I experience tiredness, drowsiness, and nausea. O well, that’s just great!

Thing is though, people think that we want to be like this. I started tablets at age 14 if my memory serves me right, and now all I wish is to come off them. I don’t want to be on them anymore. My mum thinks I want to be on these. No mum, I don’t, but I don’t have a choice over this anymore. I have Mental Health difficulties if you like it or not, and unfortunately, I cant get rid of them in a snap of a finger. I wish I could.

I’m an addict, and it’s not a fun life to live.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Blogmas 2017

Look what time of year it is again!! Blogmas is back, and like last year, I’m going to give it my best shot at doing it again!

I’m very grateful to everyone who follows this blog, as I gently never thought anyone would want to read my thoughts or feelings. This year my posts will be a little different. I will still be posting my normal stuff, but every so often there will be a blog post on giving back. I strongly believe that we should help one another, especially;y around the festive season. I know I’m not the only one struggling out there in this world, we all have different problems. I want to let them know there are people out there for them, just like you guys are for me.

So.. I hope you enjoy the following 25 days of blog posts and if you like what you say, I hope you stick around, this little community what we have going on is the best, and we will accept everyone with open arms. Every day at 6.00pm GMT time a post will go up until and including the 25th December. I hope you will join me on this journey I have going!

Love to you all, Chelsea aka MonstersLivingInMyMind X