Life Update

Well, where do I even begin?! So much has happened since we had a proper catch-up. If you follow the blog then you would have read some of the things that have been happening, but I thought I would shove it all into one post with other pieces of news!

Sadly I lost my friend Tom to suicide a month back now and found out that my Auntie did not pass on from natural causes, she too took her own life. Last week my friend attempted suicide. Luckily she is still here with us but makes it none the easier. Due to all this, I have had to up the dosage of my medication as my own suicidal thoughts and feelings were coming back, and I was at high risk of self-harm. I am, however, pleased to say that I am still clean, and have recently hit my target of 100+ days! The big proud moment for me!

Slightly TMI for some of you, but had to change my contraception method as it was interfering with my medication, so am currently on a 50+ day period which has been fun times. Why is my body punishing me for not wanting to get pregnant?! Jeez, I can’t look after myself, let alone a small human highly depending on me.

 

18671069_1022259121239393_9073489086420610101_nFollowing on quite nicely from that though, the family has welcomed in our latest addition. A little girl called Frankie J Wills. She has kept me sane and going for all this time, just knowing that if I did anything stupid, I might be risking this little girl growing up without a cousin, and knowing I won’t be able to see her grow and develop hurts even more. I do have to say though, she is just so gosh darn cute!!

 

I have graduated from college, and there will be a whole blog post on that, along with a blog post about myself and Rhys, and how the relationship is going (its great by the way!) but yes. That is all for today, and I hope you are all keeping well. I’m always here if you need me.

Chelsea x

Happy Pills

I take medication, a total of 8 tablets in a day. Many people take more, many people take less. I just want to clear something up though, about my medication, they are not happy pills. They are not magical things that will cure my Mental Health problems, they don’t make my depression just disappear. They help balance out the chemicals in my brain, they help me feel normal again, they help the voices in my head calm down.

My medication saves my life. It saves me every single day. I have to take them every single day. Do you know what the worst thing is though? I’m addicted to them. I have tried many of times to come of them, and I can’t do it. I withdraw from them, my heart starts to race, I start sweating, my irritability goes sky high, and let’s not forget about the Anxiety & Panic Attacks. Don’t forget that.

I’m not weak for taking medication, I’m weak without my medication. My tablets help make me stronger, more capable of managing my life, without them, I would collapse. Both mentally and physically collapse. What is weak though, is taking the mickey out of someone who takes medication to help control these conditions.

I have been 3 different anti-depressants, and I now have only found my right one. They are not just all happy pills, some of them made me worse. A lot worse. Now I’m stable, but for how long? Maybe this is my long term tablet, the one which will help me, but it’s not my happy pill. It doesn’t make me feel on top of the world, but it sure does help me get through my bad days, nights, weeks, months.

I don’t take happy pills, I take pills that save my life.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Twitter Post

Breaking News: It is possible to pay for mental health counselling privately if you save hard enough – Katie Hopkins 2017

Normally I would not give this lady my time or breath, as I do not agree with the way she shares her thoughts and opinions. This though. This one caught me off guard. Took me by surprise. Maybe it’s because this one relates to me. Maybe it’s because I feel passionate about it. But I feel like I need to share what I think about this.

I was first diagnosed with Anxiety at 14. I started Self Harming at 15. Then came along the Depression, Binging & Vomiting, and Disacositating from the world. My world can never be normal again, not even with counselling. But counselling helps. It helps me realise that I am more than my diagnosis, that I can still live a life alongside these problems.

Without counselling, my life would be shit. I don’t even think I would be here today if it to be honest. Counselling has literally saved my life and I’m lucky that I get these services that I attend for free. However, if these services were not available to me, and my only option was to pay, **Excuse my language* but fuck me would I not be here today. I’m sorry to say that, but I’m not made of money. At 14, my pocket money would not even pay for one session of counselling. Now, I wouldn’t be able to pay for one session because I work my ass off to make sure that my family never go without anything they want.

I’m sorry Katie, but this time, you got it wrong.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Dear Frankie

Dear Frankie,

You arrived into this world on April 21st, 2017 at 9.30pm, and what a beautiful sight you are. Your blue eyes, your tiny feet, and little hands. You captured my heart.

Your family loves you more than you ever know, but you really did something inside of me. You filled my missing puzzle piece to my heart, and when I hold you, my heart is just complete. Holding you makes me feel so happy inside, and like I am at peace with this world. Everything just stops, the voices in my head go silent, my urges just disappear, everything just goes calm.

I was scared when I heard Auntie was pregnant, thinking how could I ever love something as much as I ever love Zane. He has been my world for 4 years before you, but it’s magical just how much the heart can grow. I should have had no fear. I love you both just the same.

Frankie, you have the world at your feet. You can do anything you want to do, be anything you want to be, but always know that I’m here. I will always protect you in any way I can, always know that you fill my heart when I’m with you.

Love Chelsea x

 

100

I have been through shit and back. My life has done nothing but kills me inside recently. The loneliness has taken over me. The Anxiety. The Depression. The Eating. Everything.

There has been something good out of all this though. I have hit the 100 milestones. 100 days. It has been 100 days of me being Self Harm clean.

Through all this shit that my life has thrown at me, I have come out stronger more than I ever thought I ever could. I have only ever dreamed of this day for 4 years now, and I could not even be happier with myself. I have been so close to relapsing, to the point I made myself bed bound, but I pulled through it. Me. I did it.

Yes, I have support all around me, but if I wanted to relapse I would of. I built resilience, and I held strong. I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, I know I haven’t. But fucking hell will I try my best to not relapse.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Another One

That’s the next one. The next suicide has happened. This one was a few years back now though. Auntie Caz, we thought you died due to heart problems, that’s what the family told us. They lied to us. You died from suicide.

I only found this out a week ago. You died over 5 years ago. That hurts, knowing that everyone kept a secret from us, from me. I know you did it for the best, but why didn’t you tell me sooner. You knew I missed her so much, and my love for her was strong.

I feel like I can only now start giving your lose. I never really had the chance, I was only young when you went, I never knew what death really was. As I grew up, I just kind of accepted it, no need to grieve. But then this all came back up again, and we found out the truth. Now I feel like I lost someone else all over again. To think that someone in my family lost my fight, makes thoughts go around my head that can I really do this. Aunt Caz was so strong and a warrior and she lost her fight, how can I even start to make mine.

I hope you understand why I have been quiet for a while. I will be making my come back, just back to baby steps I go again.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Tom

May 1st, 2017. A body was found in my local woods. A suicide had happened. Little did I know, this was your body, Tom.

We haven’t spoken for a while now Tom, life just got in my way, but we used to be so close.In secondary school, we were in a band together. We done a few shows, we made memories together. Then life just swamped us, you moved to college, and I had GCSE’s to focus on. Even so, when I read ‘Local boy Thomas body found in the woods’ my heart went.

It was 2 am when I found out it was you. I was just lying in bed, going through Facebook, and an article came up from the local newspaper saying ‘Local boy’s body found’ So I clicked on it. I wanted to see who it was. And your name was there. Over the last few years, we stopped talking altogether. I pushed you away, but maybe if I stayed in contact, maybe made more of an effort, you wouldn’t have done this. I don’t want to make this about me Tom because I wish you knew how many people love you. Some of my happiest memories were of the school band, and how life was just so simple then. Remember when we went bowling? Or when we used to play pranks on one another in the band? I hold them close. We were so close, and now your gone, I can’t change things.

You took your life in your only happy place, the woods. Where all the beautiful flowers are coming into bloom, and the trees are all budding out. You always went down there, when you just wanted some alone time. Even before you took your life though, you still had one thing, one little thing that made you happy. You still held a little happiness till the end.

Tom, I hope you’re happy now, because you so deserve it. We won’t forget you x

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Speaking Out

Celebrities are coming out about their Mental Health struggles. Prince William & Harry have set up a Mental Health campaign. And I should be happy for this. I am happy for this. Mental Health is finally getting the awareness and correct publicity it deserves, who could want more?!

It’s the fact that we have had to get celebrities to speak out about their Mental Illnesses, and the Royal Family to start a campaign to finally bring it some attention. And I know what I sound like, moaning about bringing publicity to something that I suffer from every day, but its hard for me to accept that famous people are having to bare all worldwide to help bring a voice to Mentally Ill people.

And maybe this is just me. Maybe it’s me overthinking and analysing this whole situation a little too much. Yes, I am probably being quite cynical about this as well, and sounding like that we should not speak out about Mental Health. I am in no way saying that, all I am saying is that we have had to get people like Prince Harry to speak on national TV to his brother & wife about how he felt when his mother died, to get people to start going ‘Yes, we need to take this seriously’ That’s what is annoying me.

Only now are people beginning to take us seriously, and I could not be happier because finally, I get my voice heard, I don’t get to feel like an idiot or worthless compared to others because of what I go through. And that’s why I am grateful and so thankful for every single person, famous or not, who has spoken out about their Mental State. It should have not come to this, but I want to thank you because you have more guts than me. I hide behind a computer screen, showing pictures once in a while of myself, I could never do what you do.

Maybe this will help bring more awareness around Mental Health & end the stigma. Maybe it won’t.

~MonstersLivingInMyMind~

Mental Health & Me

Hello Everyone!

My name is Chelsea, I am 18 & live in sunny Cornwall. I live with various Mental Illnesses, along with a few physical ones. My life is not simple, quite honestly far from it, but then I know people have it worse out there. I run this blog for two main purposes, to help let off what is on my chest, but most importantly; to make sure that other people know that they are not alone out there.

I have been diagnosed with; Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, Eating Disorders (Binging, Vomiting, Bulimia), Self Harm, and the latest to join the collection Disassociation.  Alongside this, I am now being assessed for Borderline Personality Disorder.

My medication is; Pizotifen, Propranolol, Duloxetine & Diazepam. I am quite blessed that I don’t take any more. I have tried out other medications including Citalopram & Sertraline along with a long list of others and different doses. I think, hope and pray that the ones I am currently on are doing their job.

I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Mental Health as a whole and like to write about them. This is my way of letting off steam in a slightly more controlled way than fighting in person!! Mental Health is different for us all, we all get affected by it differently, and these are things I write about are just what I feel or have been through.

We need to change the culture of this topic and make it okay to speak about Mental Health & Suicide.

~Monsters Living In My Mind~

Happy Anniversary

Hello Everyone!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! It has been 1 whole year since I started this blog, and look where we are now!

We have come a long way on this blog, and I could have not done it without the support of any of you guys. The support you have given me has been incredible, more than what I could have wished for. I have gained 40+ followers, and each one of you guys makes me feel less lonely.

My next post will just be an update, welcoming you back to my ever so slightly manic life. It will be a bit of a longer one, but will hopefully give you an insight into my life, and what it is like for me with Mental Health.

Thank you all for sticking around and we will always welcome new people to this family of ours. Love you all lots!

~Monsters Living In My Mind~